in 2024, i’ll fall in love with hope again.

(Yes, the title and content of this post is inspired by the words in the title Lancali’s book, I Fell in Love with Hope) Disclaimer: I never read it, though I want to.

~

As it’s the end of the year, my mind naturally gravitates toward reflecting on everything I’ve achieved this year and what I want to achieve. And I’m not sure if it is just me, but people (including me) tend to occupy this negative worldview, that we could’ve done more.

At least that’s how I feel.

After several days with introspective hour-long walks in the park, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve too far embraced my fear of failure.

And fear of failure is closely entwined with my fear of hope. Which is tied to my fear of disappointment, of course. Deep, soul-crushing disappointment.

Yet, hope is what pushes us into our discomfort. It’s the very fabric of being human. Hoping for something brings us so much more happiness than getting the thing itself.

So in 2024, I’m going to bring hope back into my life.

Enjoy the poem!

~ Huan Huan

HOPE

my latest fear is a pretty thing called hope

really it’s shielding my impending disappointment

sometimes i’ll hope because i think it is very much possible

just to drown when it never happens

but i’ve been afraid to hope

i hope with a guilty conscience

or i hope very lightly, telling myself

it won’t matter if i’m disappointed

at least i’m alive, right?

i don’t need change

i don’t need discomfort

i just need breath in my lungs

~

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