If I Had To Name My Shame

Video courtesy of YouTube: Accessed by Author (12.04.2026)

As I stare into my mirror,

I can barely see what is real,

I'm too fat,

Too thin,

And nothing they say can change that for me.

Every day is a battle,

"Do I eat this?"

"Will I get fat?"

"Am I Fat?"

These are the only words I hear,

And they are deafening,

Frightening,

They hurt me.

Nobody hears these words but me,

Nobody sees the fat I see,

In that mirror.

"Work it out, Carol. You'll be fine,"

My inner conscience whispers to me,

And I do;

For 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours,

I can't stop.

Now;

Weeks go by,

And I miss meals,

Binge,

Wonder if I should secretly purge,

But I don't;

Then, I see the same old fat in the mirror,

And, my tummy still looks the same,

Flabby,

Misshapen,

Ugly;

Only I can see this,

Nobody else does.

I never check my weight,

I'm too scared;

A few more weeks,

And I'll lose it again.

I wonder if I should call the doctor,

But I'm afraid of being judged,

Afraid of being told I'm fat,

Too thin,

Mentally ill again.

They will tell me I have an eating disorder,

I've been here before;

And my past was denied, because my notes have been

deleted from the present.

Tomorrow will come,

And I'll be back to my old self again,

For a few days?

A week?

A month?

Until I see fat again.

I can't stand seeing my body in the mirror,

And I hate showing you too,

Some days I'll wear shorts,

Or a pretty dress,

But I'll mask the real feelings,

I need to address.

A professional said,

"I don't look underweight,"

"I am fine,"

I am fine,

When I lose the weight.

Today;

I cried,

My muscle is too thin,

My stomach is,

Too fat,

But nobody sees these feelings I hide,

And even though I talked to a counsellor this week,

If I had to name my shame,

I'd be afraid of what you'd say to me.

This is an honest poem that expresses my feelings. I am struggling with a repeat of body issues and eating at the moment.

Please be reassured that although it is a struggle, I do have professional help. However, I wanted to help people see what goes on in my mind, and address just how invisible these problems that also affect my relationship with food can be.