If an Almond Could Feel

If an almond could feel it would be apathetic.

I came to you brimming with expectations, with unexplained emotions. You were given to me, passed down through word of mouth, unusual in this era of internet connectivity. The two of us clashed unexpectedly in the first chapter. You were just a child, and I used to be, and yet I chastised you with blatant hypocrisy. Your first encounter with of bloodshed made me wince. I have known of bullying, but the horror stories never make it any less than what it is. Murder, at the first degree. The honesty you portrayed at such an age…I felt that. There was nothing else you could say, and yet they denied that. You were so inoccent to believe that they would listen. I never did. I read their faces and gave them what they wanted to hear. They called me a liar. It’s safer that way, and hurts them less. The truth is a burden to bear.

If an almond could feel it would be pathetic.

You grew but never changed. Your mother and grandmother knew only of normalcy. They feared for your life, the one they thought you would have. Little time was left for them to fear theirs. And when they left, you stayed the same. Stagnant in the past. At least you tried to cling to that, and failed. In the face of change, nothing is more powerful. Perhaps you didn’t know how to read a face. What does it matter that you struggled to say simple goodbyes and introductions, for you knew of love. It is the only thing left in the absence of fear. Now I was the one struggling to read you. I thought it pathetic that the only emotion you knew was love. Romantic at that. Brotherly by the end. Maternal at last. I had been rooting for you, naively believing that you had a superpower. I was jealously of your inability. It was my dream; being in between is draining. Second guessing what people want from me. Mimicking their emotions to just seem friendly. Constantly being asked “are you mad” when I’m just sitting quietly. If I could blame it on a disease, I’d feel like a superhero. Strong and confident. You became the opposite.

If an almond could feel it would be heroic.

In the end, you are the better person. You are the one despite having no choice, born a blank slate destined to stay blank, made your own choices. You fostered the desire to learn to become a better person. You saved a life, you declared your love, all with little to no emotion. What have I done? I have hidden my weaknesses, carried them while uncomfortably being aware of my limitations. You molded your worst attributes into something to be proud of. It’s an inspiration to us all. If I was a teacher, I’d share this with my 4-5th grade class. If I were a son I’d share this with my grandmother. But since I’m a human, I’ll share you with everyone.