I want to live, I want to leave

I Want to Live, I Want to Leave

I want to live.

Not forever.

Just long enough

to feel something soft

like peace,

or home.

~~~~~~

I want to live

without flinching

at every loud voice,

without shrinking

when someone says my name.

~~~~~~

I want to live

in a world

where love doesn’t hurt,

where silence doesn’t scream,

where I’m not always the one left behind.

~~~~~~

But

I want to leave.

Not to die,

just to be gone.

To walk out the door

and never have to come back.

~~~~~

I want to leave

the room that forgets I exist,

the hands that only reach for me

when they need someone to blame.

~~~~~~

I want to leave

before I forget

what it means to want anything at all.

~~~~~~

I want to live.

I want to leave.

Both feel like begging

for something I’ll never have.

~~~~~

And tonight,

I am tired

of begging.