I remember

September 6th 2012



It doesn't sound like a significant date

But it is

Oh it is



It was the day

Fate decided to

Play a game of chance

With me

A flip of a coin

A loss of life.

Just as simple.

Just as fragile

But the life lost



Made sure my old life was lost

September 6th 2012

Its 11:30

I could've lost you on the seventh

If you had held on just a little longer

I know it was hard

I understand

That life was bad



But why did you have to leave me

Why did you pull that trigger

Through your heart to mine.



I'm just where you left me

On the computer

Scheduling those tickets

For the movie you wanted to see



I know it's late

I should've probably Been in bed

But surprise

I wasn't



I was right in front of you

I was so

Absorbed

In the bright white screen



I did turn around

Or maybe

It was the fact

That I knew

I couldn't see you like that



But I guess

My internal feeling

Wasn't enough

But I'm glad

I got you you for

5 yrs and 35 days and 10 minutes



Those 10 minutes are key.

Because

I saw you

I knew you in those moments.



The worst part

Was the 4 days after

The realization

No one would help me

With my hair



No one would knock on my door to help me get to the bus on time



The 5th day after

Was one of the worst



Someone came up to me

As I had sat on the floor crying

I'm sorry for your loss

I knew her.



I wanted to scream.

No I don't think you know

I may be wrong

But I'm pretty damn

Sure the worst thing that happened to you

Was your rejection off the cheer team



Go away

I don't want to know

How you knew her

I don't want to see

How she hid her worst parts from me



If I could talk to angels

If I could say one thing

I know you

I know the way your eyes lit up

And your smile

Was stuck on your face

When you got a new idea



I know your ambition

Was one that fueled my fire

Your ambition

Gave me the courage

To create my own



I know that you told

Me that the tears falling down my face

Were symbols of my strength



I know the pain

I felt when I saw the strength

Leaking out from the sides of your eyes



I know

Some people

Think that action is cowardly

But the blood that ran so thickly

Was just a sign of your struggle

And I'm sorry you had to let your struggle run so thickly before

Anyone got it.



I'm sorry

I love you

I'm glad I got those 5yrs 35 days and 10 minutes with you.



Because in that short time.

You let me know you

As a sister

A best friend

A person

A strong strong person



I know you.

I know the kindness

And the protection

You offered me

As a seven year old hick

In a town of city folk



I know

You taught to smile

You taught me that dancing in the rain

Was one of the only acceptable things to do

During a thunderstorm



I remember

When I was

Terrified of the dark

And you were the only one

Who cared enough

To help me

Find beauty in the black



I remember

You holding me in your arms and

Telling me stories of the stars.



I know you

I know

You loved sneaking out

To go lay on the trampoline

In 65 degree weather

In shorts

And stare up at the sky

Because when it was coldest outside

Was when all the best stars came out





I remember the best stars

Were the ones

Only we were allowed to see.



I know you

I know

That you taught me

My turnout and pliè

Even though

You hated ballet.



I know you

I know

You were the only one

To acknowledge

My birthday

Excluding my mother



I remember

That you came in at 12:01

Every time and wish me a happy birthday.



And lit a birthday cake scented candle

And I blew it out

Because everyone deserves

To have a wish



I remember that year of 2013

that no one remembered was the hardest.



I remember wearing a silver locket

That you took off the back of a journal for me



I remember your funeral

The black and tan dresses

The pink roses in your hands

The orange rose

I fought to put in your casket.



I remember being terrified

Of kissing your cold cheek



I remember the tentative touch

Of my baby sister

As I picked her up.



I remember looking at you

And looking back at my baby half-sister

And realizing

I had to be the big sibling now



I remember smiling

As I realized

I'm sad but that's okay

But I'm happy

Because I get to be the you

That you were to me



I'm a good big sibling

I hope I’m just as good as you.



And I'm so glad

You stuck with me that long



I'm so glad

I got that final goodbye

Even if I didn't know its finality.



I'm so glad

That I got those 5 yrs and 35 days and 10 mins with you

I'm so glad

I got a best friend

And a sister

That was as amazing as you.



I love you

I miss you

But that's okay

Because

You were

Are my big sister



Now I have to be the best friend, the big sibling

You were to me.



Im okay on September 6th now.

I'm okay.

I get to recall memories.

I get to celebrate you.

I am privileged to remember.

Remember my big sister.

I know.

I'm glad.

I remember.



I hope that angels can hear me.

Because I remember.

And I'm glad.