I Never Asked for It

I never asked for it

Never predicted it

It was never foreseen or anticipated

It was never a thought

Never a possibility

Not even an idea

I only imagined success and happiness

Just as you

I'd dreamed of a gorgeous lover, beautiful children, a lucrative career

I’d envisioned green acres, a red brick house

A tire swing and

White

Picket

Fencing

You know

The American dream

The perfect life

I mean, didn't we all?

But my mom was murdered when I was only 9

And my dad disciplined us much too hard

And those relatives that touched me where they shouldn't have

And being Muslim

And being black

And being poor

Cheap clothes and mean kids

Buck teeth and bad grades

Evictions and lost friends

Humiliation

Instability

Never lasting bonds

The only thing consistent was change

Then came the booze

Then came the drugs

Then jail, and judgement, and the stigmas

But why stop there as if all that wasn't enough?

Lets add depression, bipolar, anxiety, and what they now call post traumatic stress…

And the voices

Icing on the cake

And through it all, I faked sanity and control

And no one was ever the wiser

I even married my true love

Started our own business

We had the child, the green acres, and even the

White

Picket

Fences

You know

The American dream

Or so it seemed

For just a while

And slowly but surely did the neglected pain and issues of childhood trauma begin to rear its fat and ugly face

Again with the booze

Then the anger

Frustration, rage, and violence followed suit

Again jail, judgement and the scarlet letter stigmas to bare

Finally my fantasy world gave way

As the real one began to crush me

Till I was broken

Alone

Lost and betrayed

I had nothing

No family

No hope

No home

Just a lost cause

A homeless man

And as I recall

I never asked for this

It just kind of

Happened