I'm Fine

When I say I'm fine:

What I really mean is.

--

I have assessed the room and have decided

This is not the place for this conversation.

--

It means: The question was too quick

and I have not found a sentence that can hold all of my thoughts

without dissolving into something deeper.

--

It means: I have been carrying this weight

for far too long and it's heavy.

It's pulling me under

and I don't even recognize it anymore.

--

It means: there is a version of this conversation.

One where I tell you everything and it will take hours.

One that you will look at me differently

One where I'm not ready for that.

--

I don't know if I will ever be ready for

that kind of look.

For that kind of weight to be pressed to my shoulder blades.

Pressing me under the waves.

--

When I say I'm fine:

It means: Like a house is structurally sound,

but there is one room that I've stopped going into.

One that still haunts my dreams.

--

It means: Ask me again

In a year

In five.

Never?

I don't even know.

--

Ask me when I don't have to look at you.

To see your face or eyes judging me.

or when it's raining and I can run out into the cold after.

Pretend it's nothing and soak up the water like a plant.

--

It means: I have practiced it over and over and over again

Until it seems perfect and natural, not because I am.

But, because it's so rehearsed no one can tell the difference anymore.

--

It means: Something in me can't let go.

Something won't move past my lips and spill into the confessional.

--

It means: I'm fine.

It means: Thank you for asking.

It means: Not yet.

It means: I'm drowning and I don't know how to ask for help.

It means: Ask again tomorrow.