You said you loved me.
I don't know why you said it.
I don't even know if you meant it.
Yet for some reason those three words terrify me.
So I choose not to believe you...
I choose not to reply...
Instead, I change the subject and act as if I didn't hear you.
Hoping you don't notice while I secretly search for a reaction.
Hoping you don't get angry.
Hoping even more so that you don't feel hurt.
Yet wishing desperately for you to understand my fear and disbelief.
To understand that my lack of a response is not because I don't care about you.
Because I do, as unlikely as that may seem.
Nor is my lack of a response because I don't believe you.
It's because, like I said, I'm terrified.
Though, if I'm going to be honest, I don't.
Believe you that is.
Not because I don't want to.
'Cause I do.
More then anything.
I just... Can't.
I know it doesn't make sense.
I don't exactly comprehend it myself.
So I'm not really expecting you to understand.
Though I do wish you could.
I know that there are times you wish I was different.
That I could just change every bad thing about me.
That I wasn't always so distant.
That I wouldn't push you away.
I wish I was different too.
Yet despite that...
I don't want you to change me.
Even if I hate who I am.
I don't want you to make me feel safe enough to trust you.
I have always viewed safety as an illusion meant for children and the naìve.
Yet at the same time I want to change myself.
To feel that naìvety and all the foolish wonders that come with it.
To force myself to trust you enough to be loved and to love in return.
For I am so desperately lonely.
Yet even in my maddening loneliness I am still unable to change myself.
To say those wonderfully dreadful words.
My wish remains unanswered for despite my hopes you do not understand.
Time passes and you grow distant.
I see you less and less.
I started to miss you around the same time you decided to stop caring.
I see you in the street one day.
You were with another girl.
The two of you looked so happy.
I watch you as you kiss her cheek and smile at her.
I listen as she says those three words I could never quite manage.
Our eyes meet and you look away.
I walk past you silently and watch as you grow tense.
I smile sadly as I slowly walk away.
Part of me feels devastated.
I know I have no one to blame but myself.
If only I wasn't so distant.
If only I had tried harder.
If only I wasn't so afraid.
Another part of me feels happy for you.
I'm glad you found someone who could give you what you wanted.
What you needed.
Someone who will make sure you know your loved.
I'm not sorry that things didn't work out between us.
You deserve someone better than I could ever be.
I am, however, sorry that I wasn't good enough.
I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be.