I Loved You

I loved you even when you weren’t there for me.

I loved you even when you pissed me off.

I loved you even when you irritated the shit out of me.

I loved you even when you turned your back on me.

I loved you even when you put others in front of me.

I loved you even when you acted irrationally and threw fits.

I loved you even when we battled and I thought I knew everything.

I loved you, and I can now see how hard things were for you. I can now, with time see how challenging your circumstances were. I can now feel my life and be present where yours ended too soon.

What I wouldn’t give to sit with you one last time and ask you all the questions I have stirring around my brain.

What I wouldn’t give to have been loved by a mother one last time instead of feeling this endless hole of grief and loss.

You were gone too soon.

I was too young and I didn’t understand your sacrifices. I didn’t understand your addiction. I wish I could have appreciated what it was like to have a mother now that I live with the void and regret of our time together here.

It was too short and while I was at first relieved you were hopefully finally at peace, now I grieve. Now I feel. Now I miss you.

I’m not too good for you anymore. I’m not blinded by my own ego. I see that you were sick and I wish I could’ve helped you.

I wish you could have met your grandson and I wish I still had a mother.