I'll have to Explain to Myself

I don't want to feel any of this,

The envy the spite,

The feeling of being lied too,

I need to get through this,

The only way for me to do it,

Is to act like you never existed,

Like you did with me,

Like you did with your last,

You seem to be the problem to the loved ones of your past,

So, the 164 pictures in my phone,

collecting virtual dust of what was only known,

To be the guy I thought you were,

The times I thought we shared,

And maybe we did,

But now you are a parasite to my brain,

As I try to explain to myself,

How could you put your hands on another woman,

Like you didn't say you loved me two weeks ago,

I know,

What we chose,

And I know,

You are free to take anyone's clothes off,

But it's crazy to me how easily you forgot,

Our conversations, our firsts and lasts,

Acting like you cared was part of the act,

That I must have lied myself into believing for over a year,

You didn't mean for me to see her,

And honestly it was probably for the better,

That we got my disappointment out the way,

Because you never had the intention to stay in touch,

Just put in enough where I believed you cared,

I can't act on my impulsions as you do,

Because I will be marked as crazy, or come off as rude,

and you will write me in the credits of your life,

A part of it, cultivated lines that you control the words you write,

You let your friends drag me down,

I don't even know if you pitched in when I wasn't around,

It's like I know who I got in a relationship with,

But you would think you would have grown within it,

but maybe you didn't,

Maybe we were just a waste of time,

A filler till you can find your next attention fix,

Someone who was convenient,

Because when you were down,

You threatened suicide to bring me back around,

but not this time I see,

You couldn't even wait two weeks,

Before trying to fill that space again,

Loyal to the end,

But not even trying to pretend that you don't miss me,

That without me there, you have a vacancy,

That needs to be filled, needs to be fed,

doesn't even matter if last week I was in your bed,

I want you to be happy,

But this feels pretty crappy,

And I hate that I am letting myself hurt over this,

I didn't deserve it,

But it hurts me to think to me you are notably missed,

While you are focusing on who next you will kiss,

You let me down,

I let myself down,

Add the nose made me a clown,

Because I believed you somehow,

I have to block you,

Because I am considered old news,

I just wish I could block all our good memories too,

So, take me off your list,

at this point it's silly to think I am even on it,

Because now I guess it my turn to pretend.