I Don't Want Heaven to Have You

You are gone

Beyond the pain of this world

Surrounded by glory

No longer thinking of earthly things

We are still here

We visit a square in the ground

A square that is a mockery to your memory

To who you where

To what you stood for

A square in the ground that does not speak

Does not laugh

Does not love

Cannot hug, cannot comfort, cannot smile

I try to be glad about where you are

I try not to begrudge you your joy

It’s not your fault

But you left me

You left me with the weight of your loss bearing down on me

As I try to be strong for everyone

As I try to care about anything

As I try to face the future without you

I don’t want heaven to have you

Heaven doesn’t need you as much as I do

Heaven has millions

I just had you

I had no closure

No last farewell

No last touch of hands

No tearful smile as I said goodbye

I didn’t know that my last would be my last

Not in life

Not in death

I stood silent and alone

With those who could not understand

As our family mourned without me

It wasn’t their fault

They had their own grief

They didn’t know how much it hurt

They didn’t know how much I needed them that day

They don’t know how much it still hurts

An endless wound with which I alone was struck

It’s not their fault, they didn’t know

Deep down my thoughts deceive me

I see the square in the ground but you cannot be there

I remember a face

Yours, yet not yours

It couldn’t be you

Your face was always so alive

Full of laughter

Full of thought

How could you be reduced this

I cannot accept it

Deep down I expect to see you when I go home

You aren’t there

The shrapnel digs deeper

My heart begins to bleed again

This happens daily

Nine weeks into the rest of my life

Every day feels like the first day

Every day my heart shreds anew

I don’t want to get better

Getting better means accepting

How can I accept this?

God, forgive my anxious heart

I grieve because this is not how it was meant to be

I grieve because my broken heart finds it hard to trust in the pain

I grieve because someone I love is gone

I grieve because I will see him again, but a lifetime may pass before then

But, God, I am learning

Learning to trust you

Learning you are still good

Learning that I still have a life to live; though it feels faithless to embrace life now

I want my life to show that you are faithful through trial

I want to live in a way that would make my grandpa proud

I want to follow his example, and learn to love you as much as he did

Help me to trust, to accept, to remember and to honour

Help me to accept that there may be no answer in this life

Help me to know how to give this burden to you.