I don't hate you

So many say I should, so many say they do;

But I don't hate you. I know you.

Maybe you're angry with yourself, with how little you cared for you;

Maybe you're angry because of how he treated you.

Maybe you're so angry at him that you're taking it out on me.

Or maybe you're angry at her, maybe she didn't provide enough protection for you, and that makes you hate me too.

Maybe it's the silent screams in your head, the ones you always complained about,

Maybe it's the rush of arrogance, extreme discipline and submission demand, then the crash of whirlwind, swirling us in the blender of confusion, reappearing only as the wind settled and I had to build again.

Maybe it's the relentless ticking in your mind, of how you're not getting younger and maybe, that's also a fault of mine.

You blamed me, for so much, and I took everything to heart;

You told me it was my fault, and I believed you, because you were my Ark.

I'd agree, maybe then, I was out of my mind;

Young, naive, the whole meaning of love is blind.

However, the last moments I was with you, I couldn't find the hate in that time;

I wanted to. I wanted to be so angry, and rip you apart with the very secrets you gave me;

But I didn't hate you, I didn't want you to fail and I didn't want to be the only one to succeed.

I wanted you to find the love, the kind I was bad at giving;

I wanted you to find the one who you felt, was missing.

I had begged and cried and pleaded to be the one for so long; I mentioned to you, I didn't know who I was.

You claimed a wife and a mom, was all I ever was; and in that moment, I realized, I wasn't angry enough.

A calculated spool of memories replayed in my mind; please stay, don't leave, I'll change, why why WHY?

So I wanted you to be free, to find the one to love you correctly;

Because I didn't hate you and I wanted us both happy.

Then came the volcano, thrusting all of your anger upon me;

Drowning me in magma, burning all the empathy from me.

I found a doctor, tried to make it right;

I took the pills, dealt with the nightmares; the stalking, the negative light.

I swallowed your words, your threats, your manipulative lies.

I hit rock bottom, I burned myself to ash;

And then I began to rise;

I re-birthed from the flame, and found the anger you wanted me to have.

I stood back up, and I took my power back;

Because a weak man, with no self control or discipline;

Will only lead his pack down the wrong path.

I stay to myself, I stay hidden, I stay polite;

Because carrying that type of vengeful rage, is not in my heart, nor my mind.

I still don't hate you, and that confuses many;

How can I be so understanding, of a man being so petty?

Although I found my rage and infused correctly;

I do not expect those from me, to do as I do, because this is my journey.

I don't hate and I don't plan to cause pain or torment;

I empower, I build up, because enough of this world is cynical amusement.

I hope one day you find the peace you need;

To rid yourself of the anger and inability to succeed.

Regards to you, sir, for all the hate and pain you've caused;

But I need you to accept and understand;

This was never, nor ever will be; my loss.