I Am Lost

Find me.

Find me in the homeless camp that you keep twenty feet away at all times.

Find me in the hometown that you grew up in yet you were able to escape.

Find me in the shopping mall, pretending not to know me

as you laugh and giggle with your new friends.

Find me after a text message that has been left unread for months.

~

Find me on top of the mountain that you finally got the strength to climb.

Find me in the ocean, with everything swept away by the tide.

Find me as I'm frantically flailing, struggling to stay afloat.

Find me as my worst fears overcome me and I become the

person that I hate the most.

~

Find me. Find me years, years of silence, years of being apart,

drifting, being, communicating even though we don't know where to start.

Find me up the river, I've been here all along,

find me in the mud where I've planted my legs,

thinking that it'd make me strong.

~

I've been trapped,

I've been lost,

but I have been...

here.

~

Take comfort in knowing that nothing has changed,

not while you have been constantly staring at my back.

I have made progress,

but it isn't enough,

it isn't enough to be able to face you.

~

Know that I have been struggling with my own demons,

their numbers multiplying by the day,

I have ignored their enticement,

ignored their laughs at my failures,

ignored their disappointment at my very fiber of existence,

ignored their strength, their strength to pull me back,

back to that dark, dark place that I barely clawed my way out from.

They cannot bring me down.

They cannot bring me down.

~

The seed of doubt still strong in my mind,

but I will push forward regardless.

I will try to find others

just as much as others will try to find me.

They are the tree and I am the roots,

unseen, unheard, unrecognized for their importance.

No matter.

~

I will continue regardless.

Regardless of the stares,

the stares of bewilderment

of why I turned the world inside-out and upside-down,

of how I was the support all along and not the other way around.

Of why and how I had to do what I did to preserve what is and was,

instead of going into the unknown, into the beyond and

leaving all that I knew behind.

Why I chose to save what didn't need to be saved in their eyes.

~

I don't know why either.

But find me. Find me and take me in, weave me back into the fabric

of society, as a protagonist, a supporting character.

Don't write me off as an extra that is only worthy of death,

for death will not come for me.

I am stuck in my eternal state of limbo,

I have power, but only so much,

I need help to free myself from my shackles,

you all need my help to free society from theirs.

Doubtful, doubting, seeds of doubt are sprinkled everywhere.

~

You do not believe that anything will change.

I do not believe much will change either.

As much scorn as you have shown me,

I will show you none.

You deserve this, this is as much as you deserve.

But find me please.

Time is running out.

~

I may spiral in a chaotic ascent and descent,

This rollercoaster ride is going nowhere

but back to the beginning.

Occasionally one may fall through the cracks

and be dismembered by the tracks.

One is too much.