Horrible moments of male clarity.

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Horrible moments of male clarity.

By Ross e f Lombardi.

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Unfortunately for me,

Despite being a 52-year-old male,

I have a high sex drive,

And being single, this leads to porn.

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And while porn serves a purpose,

It relieves built-up tension,

Very much like the relief you get after blowing your nose,

Or letting out a fart that was making you uncomfortable.

Gross and messy but also necessary for basic self-management and self-maintenance.

I hate that moment of after cum clarity.

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That moment when I, then, remember.

That despite the dating apps,

Despite the effort of getting thinner.

That despite going out and trying to be in this world,

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That coldly, realistically, statistically,

Not just because I'm financially barren,

Not just because of how weird I look physically,

But because also of how disfigured I am on the inside,

How broken,

How scared and damaged in mind and soul,

How ugly I am as a person, full of rage, humiliation and failure,

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That This!

This!

Is all I will ever have.

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That any time of real connection,

Of any deep true intimacy,

Of romantic love,

Is now past.

Is now over,

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That horrible after orgasm realization,

That this,

Porn,

Is all I will ever have now.

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I need to learn to accept this fact.

To be sensible,

To be honest.

To Stop tying,

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I must accept reality,

Stop painfully hoping.

Stop being delusional and stupid.

Stop crying.

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If I ever want to feel some shallow version of "happy"

Stop wanting the impossible.

And just get on with other things.

As they are.

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