home alone

I am home alone

There is no one in my home

Except for me

I am here

I have my

Individuality

Self-responsibility

Self

Regulation

Is praised

It is praised to be independent

It is praised to be detached and absent

It is praised to be alone

Alone

No one is home

But me

I am here

I have myself

I love myself

But have you ever heard of

Co-regulation

It's not desperation

But simply it is

Love

Wrapping its arms around you when you are scared

Stroking your hair

Holding you until you fall asleep

And

Waking up rested for the first time

That you can remember

But me

I am home alone

I am home

I am not alone

Because I have me

Self-regulation

Self

Preservation

Because I have never met someone

Who can look me in the eyes

And prove that they love me

▪︎

We praise

Individuality

One night stands

Temporary fucks

Situationshitps

We praise disloyalty

Chasing desires and fantasies

Too scared to admit

We're too scared to commit

Fire on our lips

Forced opinions spoken like the only truth

That ever existed

▪︎

Love is lost

There is no home

A heart it weeps

Muffled by groans

Ignore it

They say

Ignore the violent pain

Ignore the loud knocks

In your brain

Drown it out

Smoke it down

Turn the music up loud

Pretend

You are alone

At home

▪︎

I am home

Alone in bed

Because I'd rather be there

With you stuck in my head

Then pretending that you never existed at all

With a drink in hand and a kiss on the lips

No

I am home alone

Clarity plagues my mind

It is too obvious to see

All the signs that I missed

▪︎

It wasn't rose colored glasses

But drugged induced battles

Wars waged on my balance

Lies buttered on my face

And knives slipped into my ears

I didn't need to hear anyway

Drown it all out

Blurry is my vision

Because I

I saw your lies and said it was fine

Because I could see through them

I saw my pain and said it was fine

Because you said you loved me

I said it too

But why

The fuck

Did I love

You

▪︎

When I could have been home alone

Independent

On my own

Loving me in the ways I deserved

▪︎

You wanted me to be different

So I became more like you and you despised me for it

So

I shut down

I cut out

I numbed until I felt nothing at all

Then

I saved myself

▪︎

So now

I am home alone

But I am not alone