hers, his, mine, his and His

i thought i could be it

for them

instead,

i was pulled into the riptide

and too

lost my colour in the

unforgiving sea

-

at first

she seemed so perfect

consistent, rich

a gleaming pearl

amongst grains of sand

perhaps i had been convinced

by her beauty that there was

no darkness

she presented herself in an array

of sophisticated shades

so no one would know

until she herself

became the shadow

it seemed as though suddenly

she hid beneath the water’s membrane

and suddenly

she, as i knew her

was gone.

and everything became

concealed in

a shell of monochromatic grey.

if at least

she could create

what once was

for even just a moment

-

she stands amidst the waves

sharp silver slices through

the greying flesh on the

back of her left hand

it barely misses her bones

and she sees a deep, wet, warm red

it is

an imitation

of what once was

but it is a different shade of red.

it leaves ugly gashes and scars

the stinging of the briny sea

on her open wounds

is irrelevant to her

for at least

it is a taste of

what it was before.

-

i watched as she destroyed

her body

painting thick layers of blackness

i could no longer tell it was her

a disguise

and i absorbed her melancholic hues.

-

then him;

he was every colour

how easy it was to love him!

and how easy it was

to lose him

i always knew he was bright

but it wasnt until

he was taken away

by a big wave i never saw coming

that i realised how saturated

his lifeless body used to be

he was washed away

his colour vanished

and i absorbed his heavy, but empty colours.

-

then me.

i was a mix of everyone’s colours

for i had taken their burdens

upon myself

too far into each of their shoes,

i was weighed down

from the crystallised surface of the ocean

into its opaque darkness which

festered beneath

i became a creature held together by the

strings of my heart

this was all that kept me together

i was fixated on what it could be

instead of what it was

i wished to be free from myself

often escaping to a place

vaguely reminiscent of reality

there, everything is clearer

there, everything is okay

but

all the colour had drained from my body

and i had begun to drown with them

-

there was no colour for a long time.

i was too weak

too naive to understand

the depth of the ocean

-

then, out of the blue

a boy from the ocean itself

he said he had been watching me

as i watched their colours and themselves fade away

he recognised patterns and colours in me

that once governed him too.

and he wanted to help

and how i hoped he could help

like the others, i had faded to just a tinge

one wrong move could be fatal

so i entrusted him in my last

tiny drop of colour

and i hoped.

-

but the safety of his warmth

was taken away

contaminated, ruined

from a clear, sweet orange syrup

to a muddied brown sludge

his colour to me

was no longer pure

and i was forced to seek refuge elsewhere.

so i took my tinge away from him

and it the water's colour became thick and dark

once again.

i was sure this was it.

now i would join the others forever

-

then

one final hope.

a white light

comprised of every colour

both the luminance of the ocean

and the shadows.

He is full of love and forgiveness

so i give whatever is left

of myself

to Him

here

i begin to see the

lost colours again

not only of myself

but of the others too

here

it is safe

peaceful

for He is all the colours

and He is love.

nothing is too bright

nothing is too dark

it is perfect.

the colours are coherent

and everything seems to

make sense.

here,

i accept imperfection

it feels okay that it isnt

because how can i grow

if it is?

and i am happy

here,

i am comfortable

everywhere i go, i walk on pillows

the shards of my past no longer pierce me

instead of clenching them in my hands

i leave them

just to look at, not to touch

for i have realised that reliving them is redundant.

i can admire and acknowledge

their colours

both cool and warm

from afar.

here,

i can look in the mirror,

greeting who i see with a smile.

i can love who i see

as much as i loved the others

i can show myself the same kindness

i showed the others

and i feel no guilt

for there,

i realised

that if it is so,

it is so.

and that’s okay.

so my colour begins to return.