henceforth and so on and look over there

i just read the same paragraph around seventeen times – an exaggeration maybe, who can tell…i lost count – and i still couldn’t tell you what it said. it all started when i noticed the word ‘hence’ was used four times in one paragraph (yep i counted)…hence after hence after hence after hence and i started thinking that’s a lot of hences in a short space and then i saw the word hope and i thought oh shit i forgot to take my sertraline AND my vyvanse today and – ohmygod…remember that former friend…why the fuck did you message them the other night…oh yeah drunk ali took over your phone…what did you say again…you better check…ah yes…the old what-do-you-want-from-me request for clarity that you know won’t come and when you’re sober you’re not even sure you want – two opposing things true at once…i miss you/i don’t miss you…i want repair and i don’t - and what…my eyes are filling with tears and i’m sitting in the window of a café where a lot of people are outside waiting for takeaway and i’m welling and welling and why am i crying oh yeah. no meds. back to your book ali. read that paragraph.

and so i try again and get through the first two hences almost without incident…only now the bones of this poem start showing themselves…how might i structure it…oh yeah. book. right… "…who move forward and look ahead…” hence devo devours my jukebox mind… “when a problem comes along you must whip it…go forward…move ahead…try to detect it…it’s not too late to whip it whip it good…”

and here i am

some hours hence

trying again to remember

the sequence

thoughts disrupted

a poem not quite

written

a paragraph not quite

read

a mind – unmedicated –

but now (thankfully)

caffeinated

oh wait

hang on

i just remembered

i was going to

text

a

friend

check on their health

and – oh –

sorry what

was that –

you’re closing soon?

oh thanks for

letting me know

what

was

i

doing

again?

streams of consciousness

untethered by sequence

sense

unbound by borders

– broken –

i was reading

i am writing

i was writing

i am reading

and now i’m not really

sure how to end

when to end

and I find myself

wavering

wondering

threads weaving

wandering

shifting to self

self-sabotage

self-celebration

self-salience

self-soothing

self-sorrow

deprecating desire

drastically judging

self -

-worth

i find myself wondering

why am i like this

ungrasping of the linear

lost in the liminal

grappling to grip

to grasp

– clasp –

claw back concentration

to attempt

number eighteen

and

hence

make sense

of its sense

without

devo

without counting hences

and move on

to the

next

before texting my friend

taking my sertraline

drying my eyes

and

going forward

moving ahead

it’s

not

too

late