Heavy

dark static with light blinding sun

Heavy pounding rain

A deep, clinging shadow on my face

my heart palpitations climbing my body

Heavy,

Can’t move,

Can’t breathe

Are you okay?, someone important asks,

No, I can’t answer back,

I’m too heavy

And light at the same time,

Panic rising

Floating, anchoring

Red dotted with staticky sunshine bliss.

I’m

Finding a way back to you.

I’m trying to find the truth.

Why can’t I live with the truth?

Why am I so lonely sitting next to you?

I am so scared to start to live

I am terrified of being always so sick

I am sorry I am never enough

I can’t believe you’re really

Gone.

But I am here,

In the middle of the night, having a panic attack

that feels like death

Sinking into heavy,

I know I will not, cannot actually die

But I soak my characters, dipping their toes

In my poison heavy.