Heart in the Dirt

Not sure why I picture happiness when I think of you

You made me miserable from all the things you didn't do

Finacially you were my savior, but

Emotionally you were unavailable, so

Why am I sitting in my bed a year later

Asking myself if you're still obtainable?

You moved on and fell in love again, but

I'm still stuck on our pretend

I have so many questions about our end, but

Then I remember

I was the one who left, and

That still doesn't make any sense

I felt alone

Before I packed my things

Before I could cry

Before I took off the ring

You left me first, and

THAT is what hurts, but

You never saw it that way, and so

I know you are not worth

The ache I feel

Where the numbness tried to heal, but

Instead it just passed on the pain

To days further away

The tears drip down my face

As I remember all of our mistakes

You did things for me

That I never noticed, and

I apologize, but

You never pleased me enough

To have me focused

The silence you'd give me was

So potent

If you voiced your feelings, maybe

You'd still be with me in this moment

But you made me guess

What it was you were thinking

You made this anxiety- ridden mess

Self- destruct

Are you kidding me?

If I was really loved

You would have calmed those insecurities

Not challenge my ability

To get you to release

Your impurities

You should have been an open book

Like the journals we kept

I actually still have some, but

All they said were things

That went wrong

Things that lead our relationship

To death

I'm not really sure why I keep trying to

resurrect

What was always going to end in

rotten flesh

Probably because

That's my heart in the dirt

That's my heart in the dirt

That's my heart that's still decaying from our disconcert

That's my heart in the dirt

Getting eaten by all the worms

That's my heart in the dirt, and

You just stepped on it

Like it was never yours

To hurt