Healing

crazy how weeks just go by

people who meant something in your life come and go but you still live on

only in memories now

to have someone around and then just disappear: a concept

i like the attention but i didn't want to open up emotionally

am I just always looking for a new _____as a single person?

the whole heartbreak created a type of barrier for falling for someone

broken for a bit rushing into shit that will hurt the other person or me?

i'm just trying to live my life, do the things i haven't done

your brain tricks you into thinking you need them in your life

reality is you don't

BeLiEvE mE WhEn I SaId YoU HaD mE

what began as a game, a distraction, from my pain

with a gradual pinch of care, affection, and attention

built to tear down a part of my walls, walls that have been created over years and years of hurt

i fell in love with you.

only to realize that the man i fell for was incapable of loving me back

incapable of sharing my vulnerability, it was just a game until he finally had me

until i finally gave him the light of day and told him he could have me

then it was over

all the building up

all the doubts i had, all the concerns i felt had vanished before me

because i was in love.

were you not too?

you never let yourself love me.

as i was tearing walls down you put them back up

our roles had reversed

here i was fighting for a love i thought was worth trying for

but you didn't see the value no more

my body felt heavy for weeks

i couldn't move, i couldn't speak

the world turned differently without you

at first.

but slowly i will heal

slowly i'll come back to myself and realize

I am worth it

I am worth leaving a man who is not willing to provide for me

I am are worth finding someone who knows my value and will not dare lose me

did i really cry for heartbreak over this guy?

when all along my life was intended to pan out this way

you’ll find someone to appreciate and love your every essence

you don't need him, but you'll want him and that is how it should be

you'll realize one day that this was meant to be

and you wouldn't have it any other way

we aren't meant to be together forever

they were scared of commitment

scared of having to lose their freedom

having to put someone else first in their life

he didn't want to give up his own freedom

they did not value you enough that's just reality

all you wanted was consistency and loyalty and honesty

he could not give you any of that

They help make you a better person because they inspire you, they love you with all your flaws before you become something

Immature men scare easily

Remember that

Never be afraid to be without them

The biggest difference now is that I don't care about how he feels

what he thinks about me, whatever he is going through

Its irrelevant to my reality

He was so fixated on the idea of winning me over- he didn't care about the part when he could actually have me in his life.

Like i was some fucking prize to win and then that was it

It pisses me off

I am not just some fucking prize for you to show off to your friends

Was I only eye candy to him?

That has nothing to do with me as a person.

That had everything to do with him.

Selfish.

So many empty promises or future plans with no intention of truly following through

That was it. There was no depth to what we had.

You cared that you could have me to yourself because you didn't want to lose me

Lose the one girl who actually gave a shit about you. But even that wasn't enough for you at the end.

If they were really interested they'd give it their all

I don't doublethink it, my emotions and impulses take over

My head feels heavy i did a rooky mistake of texting an ex

But at the same time -i think it's better if he at least knows

I forgot how emotionally exhausting dating is

They want to come back

He doesn't have anything to offer you

Words don't mean shit to you remember that

I'm not gonna stress it cause I don't need to

Nothings changed

He never addressed anything you said

I'm just over it

I gave you a chance already

I already put my 100% in the past

I don't have regrets

It's for the better of my sanity

all I was near the end was stressed

having time for myself and being fully present with the people around me

A blessing

not stressed about some guy who treated me like shit

honey stay single and free

They really tried to bribe me with a present

I'm that fucking shallow?

all I wanted at the time was consistency

now all I want is myself and to be stress free

We can't work

I don't trust you anymore and I don't want to trust you anymore

I can't be myself around you anymore because I don't trust you

Shit changed.

My feelings changed I'm no longer clouded with feelings and emotions like I was before

I like my sleep better

I like being stress free better

I like being able to think clearly and know that we didnt work out because it wouldve been fuckin terrible lmao

I would not have been happy

Toxic.

I knew you didn't have good intentions

At what point are we starting to bring unnecessary pain onto ourselves? At what point are we the ones creating additional conflicts in our lives?

Sometimes, you have to leave people behind. Even those that you thought would be beside you the whole way through.

The beautiful part of a relationship is letting down your walls and being loved wholeheartedly by the person you're with.

When all you feel is hurt and pain… you can't build anything off of that.

Why do I like the excitement of him possibly texting me-even though I know it would be bad for me.

Sucks when you like thrills and impulsiveness.

Single Love

I want to experience being healthy and single.

I want to write letters to myself for different occasions or for friends for different occasions

I want to start putting effort into my friendships because small things and acts of kindness go so far in people's lives.

I want to work on myself and I think I'm just starting to do that in the best ways possible.

I want to make a list

Healthy habits

-exercise

-sleep by 11

-making sure to make time for Nighttime routine

Reassuring Myself

I think this is really for the best. We were put into that relationship to discover our own insecurities and it had to end for us to address those insecurities on our own.

We'll always care for one another and hope the best for each other but that is all we can do.

We cant go back to each other because that would only trigger our old tendencies.

Ultimately it would not be good for either of us, especially after that growth we will make.

I need to address why I felt I needed the relationship

And it wasn't just because I loved him but for my own sense of security

I felt i needed it so i knew he wasn't just messing with my feelings

But the truth is even people in relationships can hurt each other and I needed to address that

It was the obsession and insecurity.

Therapy

The lady did say it would be best for me to let go and not focus on love but myself

Single life is so crazy and reckless

Or maybe I'm just crazy and reckless

I have to move on from you. Like we just could never work and that’s just facts

Like even if we both put in the effort it really wouldn't work

i miss you

But i know you aren't good for me

The amount he would rely on me emotionally would be so overwhelming

And i cant have these turmoils when i'm in school it fucks with me too much

Moving On

My life just feels so busy and I'm not complaining I like it and this can be good for me I'm just having fun

Single me is just on something else

I think about him but I also have just so many distractions that it's different now

Especially now that I no longer associate myself as being his

I genuinely feel free and single