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Hating My Body

Here I go again...

By EmPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Hating your body is normal.

Feeling as if you don't belong is normal.

Hating yourself because others make you feel as if you're nothing is abuse.

I began senior year of high school weighing 150 pounds, normal for a girl who's 5'9"/5'10."

But then I got sick.

Starting December 2016, I wasn't eating.

Being near food was torture, I wanted to throw up just smelling it.

This continued all throughout senior year.

I was throwing up and didn't know why.

Eventually my weight dropped to 135 pounds.

I felt happy being 135 but I hated not being able to eat.

My previous doctor said I had anorexia and was mentally unstable.

I left that office crying.

  1. He had no right to make that call/say that.
  2. He was wrong.

When I graduated high school I was SUPER thin.

You could see the outline of my collar bone and ribs.

Yet, my brothers and my mom told me I looked great.

Best I've ever looked, yet I was still too fat because I had a bit of stomach fat...some arm fat... and fairly thick thighs...

Months later, I was at college and had to go down for an appointment.

I finally found out what was wrong.

I had gastritis, esophagitis, and a hernia.

Fun, right?

Still not sure how..

But I finally got medication and started being able to eat without throwing up.

I was finally eating burgers, tacos, pizza, rice, chicken, steak, everything I've always loved!

But my thighs started to grow...

My breasts...

Arms...

Stomach....

By the end of freshman year I weighed 175 pounds (drastic jump).

My mom called me fat, my brothers called me fat, and yet I wanted to believe I was fine because I was eating again.

One of my friends from college always said I looked great and he was happy I was finally able to take care of myself.

Happy I was able to eat again.

I appreciate him so much.

Because looking back at the pictures from senior year, pictures of me before I was able to eat.

They scare me. I was deathly thin...

By the time this semester started I lost 10 pounds and currently weigh 165 pounds, last time I checked.

I'm nowhere near my goal but I'm eating better and I'm trying.

However, I'm still self-conscious of my body.

Especially when my friends call me skinny and say I can't relate to them but I can.

I know what it's like to hate your body, to feel fat, and believe you're fat.

I know they're only joking but it hurts...

It hurts when they exclude me from my own emotions and make fun because I'm skinnier than them.

They're jokes to them, but it always hits home to me

It's what I've grown up with.

There are days I wanted to cry in the shower and my temptations come back.

I stare at my thighs.

I stare at my old and new stretch marks.

God I hate them so much sometimes.

I want to rip my skin off.

I want something different.

I hate being in the stage where you're considered too fat by immediate family...

Where you're told you're a good weight and look good by the rest of the family...

But told you're skinny by friends

It plays with you and you want it all to end

I never thought I would hate my body again...

* I've recently talked to my friends about how I feel, and they're going to ensure that it doesn't happen again, because they now realize how much of a sensitive subject it is to me.*

inspirational
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About the Creator

Em

I'm doing my best.

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