Grieving a love that can never be real

You hold my hand

(but look around first to make sure none of your neighbours are nearby)

You tell me you love me

(but nobody in your life knows about me)

You say that I make you happy

(but you won't tell anyone else that)

You help me, care for me, try and protect me

(but nobody knows)

You make love to me, hold me all night, kiss my hair

(nobody knows)

You stroke my face, tell me I have a lovely face

(nobody knows)

You tell me if you had your way it would be me, just me

(you're too scared to be honest)

We tell each other everything, share our deepest fears

(nobody knows)

We trust each other with our vulnerabilities

(nobody knows)

But wait. Something has changed.

I am shutting down. Laying down boundaries. Refusing to have my heart completely open, so that it can readily be smashed into pieces

(maybe you know)

I am having to distance myself for my own mental health. I cannot be hurt and rejected again, again, again

(maybe you know)

Again will kill me

(I think you know that)

I love you. With all my heart. You ARE my heart. You are a part of my living tissue

(I'm sure you know)

I have to open myself to the possibility you will never be enough. THIS can never be enough. I must find something safer. Something that makes my heart feel held and protected. Something that makes me feel precious and respected. I want someone who is there just for me. Because I am enough

(I think you know)

I will never stop loving you. Whatever happens or doesn't happen

(I hope you know)