From the Ashes

I took on the role of protector

When that was never my job

I told myself I had to be there

Like I was some sort of God

—

Because I never wanted you to feel

Like you were too much to handle

Like you couldn’t confide your fears

Like you couldn’t cause a scandal

—

But the world’s all turning to ash now

Every day I feel like I’ve failed

Your heart so clearly is hurting

And it’s easy for me to tell

—

I cry for you late in the darkness

Lost in the tears on my sheets

My heart slowly crushing from sadness

And a guilt so deep I can’t breathe

—

And somehow my hated self loathing

Arises from somewhere within

I thought I had killed that monster

But I guess she just waited for a win

—

Because how did I make it about me?

When all I wanted to do was care

For anyone who needed a mother

And felt like no one was there

—

I guess when it comes down to it

It was never about anyone else

I was just trying to protect myself

From the fire of my personal hell

—

What kind of person does that make me?

If everything good that I’ve done

That I thought was to benefit somebody else

Was really just glue from a gun

—

Trying to gather the pieces

Of a broken woman from birth

A woman who despite all she’s given

Never feels like she has worth

—

A woman who’s too introspective

A woman who they all call “shy”

A woman who gets so enraged about that

But a woman who never knows why

—

Why does it matter so much?

Why does everything weigh

So much on my dilapidated heart

No matter how much I pray?

—

Where do I even go from here?

How do I even move on

When the woman I thought I was becoming

Is long since dead and gone?

—

Maybe that’s not such a bad thing

From the ashes will come someone new

A woman who despite all her history

Can become something true