Fractured

i never wanted this day, never asked to be this way. i hide behind the lies & feign surprise when my life falls apart before my very eyes, when all along it is i who wanted it to die. its my lot in life to suffer, this i believe. how can it hurt so much just to be? all this fucking pain they've all dumped on me & its all their fault that i'll never be free. but it all goes back to the age of four, when a pedophile crept through my bedroom door & he took from me something that can never be replaced & he makes me wish that i could be erased. but he was only the first, he wouldn't be the last. a little girls innocence shattered like glass. i tell myself the blame doesn't lie with me & that helps to keep my self loathing at a tolerable degree. but it seems to me that everything is always my fault, from my birth to my brain to my sexual assault(s). i don't know what it is in me that you all see & seem to fall in love with so quickly. you can say that you want me & even call me beautiful but that doesn't make your words ring true. the truth is i am ugly & fractured & scarred and to go on this way forever is surely too hard. i ache for release for healing for bliss, to cease to exist & be swallowed by the abyss. i wish not for death nor for life or for love, but for the lack of all thereof...