Four.

Is it still rape if I was too afraid to say no?

Is it still rape if I was pressured, but went along with it?

Is it still rape if I pretended to enjoy it?

Is it still rape if I couldn't say I didn't want it?

If I didn't know how to explain why I didn't want it?

Is it still rape if I didn't know it happened?

Is it still rape if he thinks I had fun?

If I told him I had fun?

Is it still rape if I kissed him goodbye?

If I slept with him again the next night?

Is it still rape if I slept in his arms after?

Kissed him good morning and promised I would be back that night?

Because I had nowhere else to go but the streets of the city?

Is it still rape if I invited him over?

If I asked him out for drinks?

If I wanted to go back to his place?

Is it still rape if I just wanted to stay alive?

If I just took it?

And stayed silent?

Is it still rape if silence meant safety?

If I knew the alternative was worse?

Is it still rape if I felt it wasn't my place to stop him?

If I encouraged it before I realized I didn't want it?

If I felt like I owed him something?

Even if it had to be myself?

Is it still rape if I loved him?

I thought I loved him.

Is it still rape if he told me about it weeks later,

Casually on his couch before he kissed me again,

And put his hand down my shirt,

And we fucked again?

Is it still rape if he would never even consider it rape,

If the thought never even crossed his mind,

If to him I was just another hookup?

- my thoughts after 4 separate experiences, the questions as jumbled together as the thoughts that have been stuck in my head for years. Still unsure what to consider rape, and what was just sexual assault, or maybe just sex.

The first one 3 years ago,

The second one continuously last year,

The third I couldn't remember,

The fourth just last week,

And a childhood of being afraid of men.