Forty-One

Another candle, another year—still not sure what I'm doing.

Forty-One

today's my birthdaybut before you celebrateplease know I'm not panderingjust simply noting the date

in general I don't like to call attentionto something that merely isI didn't choose who to be or whereor when or why or how to exist

it's nice to get greetings fromfriends and family here and therebut it's a day I'm not always sure who I am

and like my soul's a little bare

it brings up memories and feelingsI'd sometimes rather not rememberI feel it all - sad, peaceful, old, childlikebut happy I came to be in November

fall is my favorite and feels like a renewaleven as the world seems to slow for its sleepI love the smells and chilly air and being cozyand stomping through leaves and acorns ankle deep

it's a time of year I feel alive and rawunsure of what the next year will bringit's a strategy time for who to becomeand when I reflect on everything

I wish I could see in my own crystal ballwhere I’ll be in a yearhow far I’ll have goneand what I’ll remember of being right here

I think about what I’ve learned and what I knowand how much more I need to understandand what the bigger meaning of it all isand why I try to hold snowflakes in my hand

I think about the darker side of myselfand what she’s trying to tell meI think about the ugly sides of lifeand why those things have to be

I feel hurts that time hasn't erasedand regret spending energy on those undeserving

I count my losses and reap what I've sownand always wonder whose purpose I'm serving

and then I get mad at my birthday pity partyand say things to me that would make others blushand count my blessings, it can always be worseand good things come to those who wait, so baby don't rush

I remember those I've moved out of my circleare gone for a reasonand even when I'm feeling out of sortseverything in life is just a season

I reflect on the growth and expansion last yearand how I'm certainly much happier over hereI think about how I'm still discovering so muchabout who I am and what I fear

about how I love and what I wantabout what my dreams are and where they liveabout what's really importantand exactly how much I will continue to give

about who I want around and who I needabout what I'm becoming and what I've beenabout living a life I love and have hope forabout desiring personal happiness not being a sin

don't take note of my slightly sad eyesthey do that sometimes without me even knowingthere's still lots of light in thereeven if it's not showing

I promise tomorrow I go back to being meand put this awkwardness back on the shelfI'll wake with a sugar hangover and a little regretbut I'll feel a lot more like myself

my maudlin thoughts will move on alongand I'll get on to being tired of Christmas songsthanks for the good wishes and balloon emojisyou really know how to make a gal feel she belongs

so thank you for listening to my birthday thoughtsand sorry for the tears on your hankyI know this next year is going to be amazingnow how about those birthday spankies :)

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