Forever, Mama

Hey, mom! I never told you this before, but…

I remember.

I remember your crooked smile, the one I thought was perfect…

I remember your thick, TREseme scented, insanely curly, deep, dark-chocolate colored hair.

Your energy. Despite the car accident, which made you paralyzed from your chest to your toes, you still had that… energy. Unmatched divine positive energy. I remember how fiercely you loved and protected your children…Purple. Candles. Incense. Native American traditional clothing and moccasins. The show, “ I Love Lucy” while wearing your tweety bird shirt. Your wheelchair didn’t define you, but the accessibility to sit on your lap whenever I wanted was kind of amazing. I remember pointing to a shiny star, to make a wish- you stopped me.You reminded me that wishes don’t always come true. I needed to pray and work very hard for the things I wish for. I remember when I asked you what would happen if you died before me, and you promised we would die at the same time. You broke that promise, but I forgive you, mom. You fought as hard as you could. I never told you that, or a lot of things, actually.

I never told you this, but after you passed away, it was really hard, but living with aunt Donna and Uncle Gilbert was fate. You left behind your best friend, who was also my dad's sister. My aunt Debbie has been there all of my life. I mean, all three of my siblings were a lot to take in, but they all treated us like their own. I dreamt of you there, and my five year old self was CONVINCED you were actually there! After that we skipped around (mostly separate..) from family members, to friends' houses, motels, etc.. Until, we ended up in a sketchy neighborhood, where my oldest sister got hooked on drugs and lost her kids, my dad went to jail, my brother was M.I.A. It was just My middle older sister and I. I was scared, mama. There’s a few times I was really scared and just missed you, extra.

School performances, dances, award ceremonies… All prime examples. There’s more. I never told you this, but the summer after eighth grade, when dad was in jail, someone assaulted me in my own home. My sister was out of town, working. This man sexually assaulted me and attempted more, but luckily, I ran away and locked myself in the bathroom. Powerless, was an understatement of my feelings then. I thought of you, and that energy you had.I worked through it. Another time was when I was sixteen I was tricked into thinking I was going to a party. With no service on my phone, I still agreed. After all, I knew these two boys from school, and it was Easter! When we showed up, I was told everyone would be in the garage. It was empty. There was a couch in there. One boy went inside and locked the door. The other raped me. I fought. HARD. He may have successfully raped me but he DID NOT WIN. I have that energy, that fire, that fight. I won’t ever let my hardships define me. I’m learning everyday to fight through my struggles. I began really digging deep and finding out who I am. So, I started to really apply myself in school and search for a way out of this lifestyle. I needed to find a way way to impact people in a way that shapes who they are forever.

I remember when I had my very first epiphany. I have to become a Professional in Childhood Development and Education to be an expert on the subject, the plunge myself into the field of teaching to hands-on help children have a space where they can be safe, empathized with, and learn important life and educational lessons. I never had the chance to tell you all of this, but I’m going to be a teacher, Mama!!!!

I remember my high school graduation fell on the same date as your thirteenth death anniversary, May 26th. I knew it was a sign from you, that you were watching. I hope it was! I met the love of my life, started college right away, and got my first job, at Applebee’s.The first of many odd jobs to keep me afloat while going to school. I never told you this, but Lost a baby girl, when I twelve weeks pregnant. Devastatingly enough, it allowed me some more time to go to school, and even gather two years of hands-on education as I worked at the Child Development and Education center at the college. I am now one class away from transferring from my junior college, to a Cal State University! I've already obtained my Associate Teaching Degree in Early Childhood Education with an emphasis on science.You know what they say, when you're busy making plans, life happens. Between a crazy, national pandemic, and everything being put on hold, I had to take a beat. In the meantime, I have been fulfilling my creative passions in writing. I'm still learning. I also did some tutoring for a few local young children, who needed help navigating the whole virtual situation. Now that the pandemic is easing down, I’m still not quite ready to get back to work! Mostly… because- I became pregnant again! This time it was a baby boy. It was a very tough pregnancy and even more traumatic birth/ postpartum. Eli James Richardson arrived at just thirty -two weeks, weighing in at 4 pounds . He stopped breathing multiple times during his journey at the NICU. He was hooked up to so many tubes. One to help him breathe, one to monitor his heart rate, one to measure his oxygen rate, and lastly, a feeding tube. I was incredibly scared, Mama. I do not know how I survived this, but I did! We all didMy precious baby is now turning one in less than a week! And, Mama...he’s got it. He’s got that energy!

I never told you this, but I’m so glad I remember. The sores on your elbows, from the chair. The times you were so hot in the summer, the days your medicine made you sick, your inability to go to the bathroom on your own... The times your wheelchair would die half across town and you would wait for hours, stranded. (No cell phones). The way you had movement in one hand still, so you insisted that ONLY YOU could brush your hair. I’m thankful I saw your hardships, because I was able to see how you handled them. I'm thankful to have your fire forever lit inside my soul. A strong force of nature you will forever be. I’m so thankful to have inherited that divine energy of yours, and to be able to pass it down to my son. There’s a lot I never got to tell you, so i hope this gets to you.

Oh, and hey, Mom. I never told you this, but I forgive you, for going to heaven.

I love you so much, Mama.

May 26th, 2022 marks eighteen years without you. I miss you so much.

Love always,

baby girl.