For Huddles

Those were the halcyon days, I just didn’t know it. I knew you were the sun, I just didn’t realise how much you illuminated everything.

I didn’t realise how pointless it was to cry for anything when you were here. You were here. What else mattered?

I prayed every day that you wouldn’t go. Not yet. Please can he stay longer. Because forever was unrealistic but anything else was devastating. A while longer, and always, always a while longer. As if I would ever be ready for this. A world where you do not welcome me home. A world where you are not smiling at me, love overflowing from you.

It took me a week to be able to leave the house without a box of tissues. And the world still goes blurry when I think of you.

I’ve been running with packed bags since your last breath. As if this grief is something I can outrun. As if your absence is something I can live with. You’re just at the vets. You’re coming back. Because anything else means the end of the world. Because the end of you is the end of me.

How am I meant to step outside in a world where you no longer exist? How can something so full of life and joy and love just blink out in a matter of moments?

I will never get over how the world kept spinning. How nobody felt the earthquake I did. How the sun still rose the next morning. How it dared to shine as if everything was fine. How my legs somehow kept carrying me and I managed to plaster a smile to my face as if my heart hadn’t ceased to beat right alongside yours.

I hope you have endless space to run and play now. I hope you get infinite walks and food and are adored there as much as you were loved here. I hope you are as happy as you made us. I’m sorry I didn’t pat you more. Sorry I didn’t spend every moment beside you. Sorry you are not walking me to the gate as I leave for work, scratching your ear as I drive away.

And I am terrified I will forget the way you fit into my arms. You taught me unconditional love. Now what am I supposed to do with it? Do I bury it in the soil beside you? Will it decay there?

Nobody has ever loved me as unflinchingly as you. You were the softest love I ever got to hold. The gentlest love I will ever be cradled by. No words or tears or pictures can do you justice. How can you capture pure love through a camera lense or a poem?

You saved me a million times and now the world is grey and nothing matters.

The tickets to Switzerland, the trip to the coast, the book release and the sunlight. I’d trade it all to bring you back if I could. I’d trade everything for you. If only that was how death worked.

Now I’ll miss you longer than you got to love me.

I cannot say goodbye to you. My best friend, my hero, my whole heart. I cannot stomach it.

You had a good life and you were smiling til the end. You were there just when I needed you and gave me the strength I needed to keep breathing now. It’s better for you since you were in pain. I know, I know, I know. But I just want my baby back.