For Fatherless Daughters

i want to write

about my father’s

death

make a clear

connection

between all of

the mistakes

i’ve made

and

the grief

i’ve never

dealt with.

connect

the words

i didn’t say

at his

funeral

to all the times

i felt unheard.

i want to write

about battling

to see him

as

untarnished

but living

long enough

to see

him

as merely human

point out

my difficulty

to trust

as a

byproduct

of never

wanting to be

left again.

regard myself

highly

for not

falling apart

but

needing a

therapist

all the same

i want to write

about being

better

healed

an acceptance

of my fatherless

existence

but i only

have fire in

the back of my eyes

i only have

the few photos

i can bear

to look at

and his last name

that

someday

will be replaced

i am eternally 16

still

insurmountably wounded

by a sudden shift

in my world

that no one

prepared me for

i am still searching

for my father

in every man

who loves

jazz

still disappointed

to return from

my journeys

unloved

unprotected

and

more hollow

i want to write about

my father

my father

my…

—father’s day