Fleeting moments

I went outside to see if I could catch a glimpse of the full moon

barefoot and in a t-shirt

the night air chilled my bones and I felt bumps raise on my arms

I had doubt in my heart.

It's been so cloudy I haven't been able to see much of the moon lately

though I keep trying - because of course I know she's always there.

My whole body shivered and I started to regret my little adventure.

The building I live in blocks the moon when it's in the east - I have to walk away from it to see her when she's rising

I walked a little, turned around;

nothing.

Walked some more, turned around;

nothing

My feet felt the smooth concrete of the sidewalk turn to the rocky asphalt of the parking lot.

Turned around;

there she was

The clouds had parted so I could see her

Full and bright and beautiful - shining in the dark sky

My body quaked now, and having finished my guest, I listened to my cold muscles -

Running inside, I hurled myself under a blanket and waited for my muscles to stop screaming

-

Everything is so fleeting

Whether or not I'm beating myself up

Life is the same and the moon will be there

Waiting for me to find the space to love myself

In other words, my inner world clouds my view of the outer world

When I focus on being good

-

I still can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm bad

I force myself to work for what I already deserve

I deplete my own energy fighting with myself in my head

Like two parents with differing views of how to best care for their shared spawn

I'm ready to say fuck it all

And let go of all of the insecurities that have done nothing to keep me safe and everything to hold me back

All I know is

I'll never stop trying to catch a glimpse of the moon

Because I know she's always there