When I felt him slowly squeezing the life out of me with his words,
I thought I could change him
But when he was squeezing the life out of me
with his hands around my throat like a wedding band I outgrew,
and I saw the hatred on his face that wasn't really meant for me,
my feet were stuck....
in his misplaced anger like quicksand
and even though I wanted to run,
I wanted to love him more.
When I pondered
if it would be easier
to get rid of the fish tank I saw my head someday going through
or get rid of him,
the answer at the time seemed obvious.
But even when the room was silent
and there was no longer the sound of running water
to soften the eggshells I always walked on,
I still couldn't convince myself I kept the wrong threat.
On the days when his past was locked tightly in the freezer
between the ice and the tequila and the vodka,
it was hard to remember the cold of that freshly mopped porcelain floor
after he ripped his shirt off me
and hatred poured from his face through his fingertips.
On those days,
when he loved me,
oh god, he couldn't have loved me more.
And even though my heart hurt
more than my back
from the wall he slung me into...
the day he raised his fists to me and said
"Bitch, I'd love nothing more than to punch you in that smug face of yours."
I knew the road I would take now would be a permanent one.
As I stood there
alone
in that room
I was not alone....
I felt the power of a thousand women's cries for help
trampling their way across my soul....
For them
I stood up
with the ferocity of the most powerful lioness protecting her cub....
and I knew what would be would be
with or without my tears and pleas.
So I stood tall,
looked at that familiar face that I had tried to love
and I said, “do what you must to feel like a man”
and I pulled out my claws,
ready to pounce as tears rolled down his cheeks
with shame
and knowledge
that no words would ever be enough to complete that apology.
As he backed away
looking at me like a stranger
who didn't recognize me or himself,
I slipped out into my new life.....
complete with an extra large fish tank…
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