First Meeting

Mariya, my favourite version of you begging for mercy:

Collapsed. In a ball on the chair, swaying, your Big Blue

mermaid eyes half-closed, your face covered in a beautiful layer of rough,

red bumps

swigging your coffee at midnight on a Tuesday.

while the older ladies spoke to us in spiels about how we shouldn't

date at this stage of recovery. I half-heard them, & I

pretended to be a good student, good, good girl but I felt your pain as if in my own

bones

You accidentally farted then said you were so

embarrassed, the only thing you said all night? Everyone else there seemed

to understand what was going on with you, but it was my

First meeting.

After the fellowship I said I would walk you to the subway. We talked, but I

don't remember about what, except that we both loved to sing. You liked

soul music. I held you goodbye & then I went to sleep without taking my

medicine, or even remembering to, for the first time in three years.

That week you were homeless & staying with different friends. We texted a

bit. On your birthday I baked you a cake - I said I'll bring it to where you're

staying or we can have it in a park!You said "You're just so sweet." but no, you

declined, over and over. to see me.

So I never went back to a meeting I didn't need another place to have my

breath stolen from my lungs & my heart battered as if it isn't necessary