Fighting Myself

I have often tried to surround myself with people I admired.

I would colour my heart with the parts of people

That to me, shined bright, like a star in the night or the embers that burn steadily in the fire.

Colour me a liar, because this persona is a mask and the task

That I am faced with is to find my authentic self...but I am tired.

I am my greatest enemy.

I hate myself on my best days because it feels like i have no sense in me.

Its like a body on autopilot.

My mind is a labyrinth of thoughts and they get lost sometimes.

I get lost sometimes.

When I was younger, writing used to be so easy.

Fantastical worlds and beautiful stories would spill from my hands and turn into ink almost effortlessly.

It was before I became so guarded.

It was before my mask became so decorated.

As the years went by, and reality started to hit different.

I lost that ability to just sit and write a story.

I stopped writing poems.

I stopped reading and inheriting stories.

And I was never the same since.

But, lately...I've been doing a lot of self reflection.

I've been making some subtle changes.

I don't spend so much time inside my own head anymore.

I got a cat. So that I would have to take care of another living thing besides myself.

I started cleaning my room more often.

I started reading again.

I call my mom and dad every day and tell them I love them.

I started feeling better

Maybe, its because I don't take life so personally anymore

I am still not sure

But, these small changes have formed a cascading effect

It feels like its travelled from some far out ocean to this quiet and distant shore.