Fault lines

I had been so long without hope

I wish you hadn’t shown me that glimmer

Just to scrub it away

*

It’s times like these where I remind myself

I’m just a man

All the things I don’t like about myself?

They’re not even worth a damn

*

What does it matter if I’m

Too bald

Too old

Too unwell

Not cool enough

Not smooth enough

What does it matter if I am simply not enough?

*

What does it matter if I’m repellant

What does it matter if I’m me?

*

I won’t be great

Not ever

So it’s about time I let go of that want

*

What does it matter if I’m lonely?

It’s about time I let go of that want too

*

There were seven billion people on earth

Back when I was a kid

I understood what that meant:

I didn’t have to be special

Because nobody was

*

I killed my ego,

Back when I was a kid

Grabbed my self pity, tore it up by the roots

So I could just be

Now why in the fuck is this wretched thing squirming again

I thought I killed it!

So why is it sucking breath?

*

YOU gave it the spark of life

You

You who shared a little light

And made me flush with pride

*

Do you understand what you have done?

I did not ask you to restore my faith

Especially not from behind your closed door

*

It’s times like these where I remind you

I’m just a man

All the things you don’t like about me

They’re not worth a damn

And neither am I

*

That’s not your fault

*

But life was easier before you gave me that glimmer

If you had offered to restore my hope

I would have said no

So I assume you did it on accident

But I let my hope die on purpose

Back when it was knotted up with my ego

That wormy thing!

*

Who am I to want to be special?

Who am I to want to be more?

Who am I to want be…

Yours?

The audacity of this bitch!

*

(It is me, I am the audacious bitch)

*

Eight billion alive today and I’ve forgotten how to read that message

I am illiterate

I am stupid

I am dumb

With nothing to say or think

When it comes to matters of the soul

*

And who can blame me? I have no proof

The only thing I believe in

Is soil

*

Is that my fault?

*

What does it matter if I’m not worth a fuck?

I’m just a lump of carbon that somehow learned how to walk

Who tries and tries and tries

To do no harm and to make the world a slightly better place

For all the other carbons

*

What does it matter if the only hug I will receive

Is the one hauled forth by pity

The one broken early

To spare the senses

And to dodge the contamination of a lingering touch

*

Recoil!

Quick!

Wash your hands of me

And look away

*

What does that matter

What does any of that matter?

A tear, late at night

Doesn’t mean a thing

One soul?

One soil

I’m only one

Out of 8 billion soiled souls

Let me remember what that means

Let me remember whether that matters!

*

She loves me?

She loves me not

*

And this is where I am comfortable

This is where I can step outside myself

Pity for one’s insides?

A wasted effort

Because the self is a silly thing

Practically nothing

Ha ha

So flood it with tears or flood it with piss

What’s the difference?

*

When the ego writhes to the surface, block all the holes by which it might retreat

For the ego is slippery

It will hold its breath and

Try to survive

If that fucker will not drown then let it bake to a crisp under the glare of the Sun

Then leave it

Charred on the sidewalk

With all the other worms

*

The Lord is my Shepard

I shall not want

And neither shall you

He maketh 8 billion of us lie down in green pastures

*

Ashes to ashes

The Lord doesn’t even have to exist

To bring us all back to the dust

*

And shall we want, when we are dead?

Ah, you say, but we aren’t dead yet!

Let us not rush God’s plan

Then what shall we want—

We who are not dead, but dying?

*

I shall not want

I think that’s what it means to be free

And to just be

One soil learning to walk among 8 billion souls

***