Family

I wish I didn't miss you

I wish I could just not think about you

Mom, no not mom

Birth giver, incubator

As much as I don't want to think of you I do every day

They're not good thoughts.

Why?

Why did you choose that over me

27 years, I waited 27 years for you my whole life

For you to get your priorities straight.

I had to leave you and my baby brother

I didn't want to, I had to.

It was time for me to figure out who I am

I spent 6 years taking care of grandma, on my own.

I missed out on all of my 20s.

I’m angry and I think I'm allowed to be.

Not even a week after she died you started putting her things in the shed to be ruined or stolen.

I dont have anything of hers, Nothing I was promised.

One picture, two coffee cups, a cardinal statue, and the blanket she had when she passed, the literal last thing she touched. That's ALL I have of the 26 years I spent with her

My entire life

I left

I left it all there with you, I left everything with you.

I left you

I left you for my own mental well being

I found a really nice and caring community

I wish I could tell them more of what happened to me

I'm afraid

I'm afraid they'll leave me like the others

Im afraid Im too much

So I just don't talk about it

I keep it bottled up

Bottled up until it leaks out of my eyes in the form of tears

I want to talk to you again but I just can't

I can't deal with you blaming me

Blaming me for your shortcomings

Maybe I shouldn't

Maybe I should just say goodbye forever

Maybe I should just forget you exist

I can't

I am a part of you

Fifty percent your DNA

I've said my goodbyes to dad too

Not like he remembers

He doesn't even remember who I am

The alcohol took that from him

From me too

I remember though

I remember standing in the yard looking at the sky with him

I saw my first shooting star standing out there.

Family, I don't have that anymore.

I don't have a mom or dad to walk me down the isle.

Nothing

No one

I'm not even sure if I ever did.

I think the only person I ever had was grandma, but she's gone.

Ashes. Ashes I don't even get to see.

I only have memories.

27 years

8 of them I was her caregiver, my payment for her being mine through all the hospital stays and medical emergencies.

I guess I don't want to be a part of a family if that's what it means

Ill make my own.