eye of the storm

Thunderstorms

Pouring rain

Lightning flashes

Beyond my window

As I watch it all

Knees close to my chest

Keeping my heart close

I’m not at ease

Only at something like it

For a jagged piece of me has slipped

Fallen

And cracked

And I do not know

If I am any better for it

Because I may just feel worse

When all is said and done

I am in the eye of the storm now

Breathing slowly in expectation

Awaiting my fate

Even so


What’s done is done

I will stand like a statue

And take everything unto me

And into me

I will understand

Because I do understand

I will listen

I will learn

And I will shed a tear

Only when the night is over

I will soothe over feelings

With a glide of my hand

I will rock myself to sleep tonight

I will face myself in the mirror and say

You did it

For all the times

I haven’t done it before

I have never been good

At facing the storm at hand

I dodge it

I avert my eyes

I let the rain soak me

And I talk about the way

The sun is shining

Like it will dry the ground

Under my feet

I always chose to see the sun

Never storms

Never showers

Because it’s easier to lift eyes up

Than to let them lower

Sinking down

I have never been good

In a way that I was proud of

I only tried to be good

For others’ validation

This is what I thought

Before the weight of realizing

Of caring

Of seeing myself

So shameful and small

Hit me like a hundred bullets

Like a thousand knives

In the back

And all of a sudden

I was gored and broken and bleeding

And I had betrayed myself

Time and time again

Especially when I had spoken of the sun

And been celebrated for it

Now

I am different

And as someone different

I have done something new

I have dared to see the storm

To point and say, look

Look what I have seen

Look what I can show you

As I await the downpour

The wet wind against my face

In the calm before the storm

Waiting and preparing

Arms around myself tight

For all that is to come