ExEcutIon

A friend of mine says that we often know the right thing to do, we just take forever to do it. She says, “We have the clarity, it’s the conviction…” .

Where’s the conviction, why doesn’t it come coupled with the clarity? What is this gap that has to be bridged between me , understanding and action? This violent dissonance is responsible for so much damage. So many lives could’ve been lived if I knew how to go from vision to action without hesitation.

There are days when I embody it. Where the thought comes and I become it. Where I see the way then become the vision. On these days it feels reckless. Irresponsible. It also feels right. It feels like I’m in danger of losing everything. But that’s what I want. I want it all to change. I want the best for myself. If I don’t have it that means I must must must go get it. Necessarily it means leaving behind what I had, what held me back, what was less than I deserve even if it is what I enjoyed. This recklessness is transformative. It is terror and glee. I experience the extremes of life simultaneously. I don’t have answers, I’m making them.

The days where I don’t execute vision. I feel smart. I feel calculated. Ah yes I must consider this and that and these. I’m also miserable. The weight of this extended arithmetic anchors me here. Here. Where I have been. Here that I dislike so much. Here , this box I have built for a smaller version of myself.

I don’t want to be smart. I want to be happy.