Erasing Your Presence

Knocked aggressively on the outside door 
The yelling started to rise 
At 1 a.m.
Your voice broke viciously 
Breaking every glass

My eyes flew open 
Loud 
Painful  ears
You sliced my heart
Into tiny pieces 

I used to think there were two of you 
I used to think I was losing my mind 
I lost my voice because of you 

Seeing the heat in your eyes 
The bottle you carried in your hand 
I was in a horror movie trying to survive 
Crying in my room 
Confused 
Wanted to escape that moment 

You damaged my heart 
My soul 
My mind 
Thinking I would never be alright 
Thinking I would be a ghost forever 

I had memories 
Nightmares for years 
Because of you 
I still blame you for everything 
To the person I was supposed to look up to 

But 
Instead 
You made me feel this way 
You made me feel worthless 
Alone
Scared to even speak because someone might be angry at me 

Now at 28 
I am mature enough to walk away 
I am allowed to walk away 
Just because we are family doesn't mean I need to stay 

I have realized 
Keeping you was draining me deeper into the dark 
I know what  you did 
I saw what you did 
That doesn't erase my memories 

My brain is a camera that will always remember 
But I can erase you from my presence entirely 

I know I’m worth it 
Because I have survived 

Writing this helped me claim my strength. I am so damn proud of myself for writing this. It gives me proof when my inner critic tells me I’m not enough, "Let’s give up." I tell that critic, "No, we can’t. I have survived," and I block that person out, so I am okay.  

Anyone out there who's in the dark, remember there’s an opening. I know the dark can feel scary and suffocating, but the opening is there, just invisible right now.