ellipses

ellipses

I don’t know if this will be the last message my heart wants to spill

but I need to allow these parts of me to express, as I would be denying the me I am now, crafted from an experience I often downplay to push that self away from what I had gained from her,

that would unfair to the whole.

All I hope is that you don’t hurt, hate or crush yourself with any thoughts and words of regret and sabotage, I pray you don’t

what I did was for me

not because it was you

but because of you

I don’t know if you feel the same

but I thank you so much

deeply

always

I appreciate the puzzle piece you were to make the picture clearer, I found many other pieces along the way…

and I don’t know if you do

but I always send love to you

nothing in me has the strength to pour out hatred

not even to those I feel took bites out of me,

purposefully or accidentally,

I don’t care, life is bigger and more than any of that, you are a beautiful human

so special and rare

i’m not above anyone in the experiences I had with them,

so the love and forgiveness I send myself is automatically sent to you too

parts of me had to build healthier energy

grown from the experience that was you…

that made me want to feel stronger,

made my throat finally soothe,

my heart to stop bleeding and start healing

my subconscious was already screaming for this release,

I finally found a plug that you led me too

from the many parts of me that were being trampled on for years…

I don’t know if you’ll truly innerstand how meaningful it all was for me and my journey

however I always ask for you to be okay, healed, loved more and better in the next parts of your journey too, because if it wasn’t for you, the anchor would still be around my ankle

I need you to know you are loved. You are precious. You are deeply appreciated, and I thank you.

I had to pull away

because I was scared i’d be trapped in the version of me that was killing myself

silently

quietly

suffocating the potential that never rested on your back but on mine

i’ve had to purge and grieve in different so many different stages to lead me to this piece of writing, and it felt absolutely amazingly exhausting

one stage that was felt so intensely was knowing that I can’t go back, because that would mean falling down, that would mean again I have drowned.

and that scares me,

not after how much i’ve been building myself up to finally be

i’d be terrified to feel her again

that might be something I need to heal more for myself but i’ll make it there when i’m ready eventually

I was quiet, empty and none of that was because of you

I honestly miss you, parts of you, parts of memories, versions of myself that I had buried for so long was craving intimacy but not realising the dark in me that was crying out to be seen

first and foremost

so I always thank you, I don’t know if these words will reach you how I feel them to be

but to speak my truth is the only thing that will help me to feel a little more free

but what I know to be true was true for me

and i’ll never deny the appreciation of you,

your arrival

just on time. You were a perfectly timed dime

I lost myself and i’m gaining all parts of her back

a kick start of such tremendous triumphant

you may not care, and that’s okay

still my true nature deeply hopes to not have left you in such a dark place

but I, more than anyone knows the power and richness of the dark

so all you did for me,

I hope I could do for you

I struggle admitting such things

missing, wanting, knowing, feeling

I don’t talk to anyone about these overwhelming thoughts

that even my closet don’t realise how much I went through to get over you in order to find me

I had to

not because it was you

but because of you

for me.

so thank you always, it saddens me immensely knowing my fear of being back there, being her again, barricading myself from all that was within those memories, staying away from old versions of me that still crave parts of the past for my own protection against myself, I have to talk to her tears nearly all the time, maybe forever and so that is what i’ll do, taking candy and teddies away from her innocence, it break my heart to to feel her confusion and loss,

having to leave such an important puzzle behind after years of trying to find the missing pieces, but i’m so grateful I got to see the full picture of its fulfilled beauty that could never be forgotten, and it was always about and within me, and i’m creating more for self and so I also send so much of it for you too,

through the trail of this particularly magnificent tale <3.

Farewell. I finally refuse for that story to end in ellipsis, see you in the next life maybe

but probably because I met you in this one, and you were such a treasure that I hope to find again and again.