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Drunk Texting Trouble

by Andrew C McDonald 4 months ago in social commentary / sad poetry / heartbreak
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A poem about a man sending drunken texts to the wrong person ... Comedic, somewhat adult: pbpatch.wixsite.com/pbpatch

Drunk Texting Trouble
Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Monday Night Entertainment in 2016 Divorce Town:

Home from long day shoveling crap in another man’s zoo

Need some mindless relaxation and a beer or two

From kitchen fridge grabbed me a cold one

Plopped in my La-Z Boy, phasers set to stun

Took a healthy swig, felt good going down

A few of these and some comedy to erase my frown

Grabbed the remote and popped on the tube

Some idiot in a speedo wants to sell me lube

Flip through channels, look for something not too inane

NEWS talking about dead cops in a USA gone insane

On nine Hillary and Donald rant about immigration and crime

Preacher in a million dollar mansion says we’re out of time

Some homophobic lunatic bashed up some gay guys

What does he care with whom they share their ties?

People should be more accepting of others right to love

Choice of romantic partner is no reason to hate and to shove

Take a swig of my beer and notice the missing ring

CMT talking about the decades dead; please, just sing

Maybe evening television just ain’t quite what I need

Pick up the latest King novel in a vain attempt to read

Three beers in, my mind is wandering and lost

Have no idea what the ghostly killer’s last tragedy cost

Stalk out to the kitchen to grab another Bud

Thoughts of the ex churning like wet Georgia mud

Flipped on the laptop, cruised a lttle porn

Some hot farmer chick doing it in the corn

That ain’t helping me to relax lord don’t I know

If only Cindy was here there’d be oats to sew

Pulled my Facebook scrolled through tons of opined rants

Political agendas and everyone’s personal THOU CANST’s

Clinton blames crime on the guns and the cops

Obama says ISIS extremists are friendly, Islam is tops

Trump wants to build a better fence to keep neighbors out

Robert Frost bursts from his grave for an endorsing shout

BLM eradicates racism by killing cops and committing mayhem

Sharpton preaches hateful rhetoric, can I get an AMEN

Oprah says white people should all lie down and die

Since the sins of their fathers shall home to roost by and by

Democrats want to take my guns so I can’t protect my home

Law abiding criminals won’t have guns in a gun free zone

Flipped to Pam’s home page damn her hide

Wish she hadn’t taken me for such a hard ride

Light up a bowl to take off the edge

Just what I need to step back from that ledge

Another few swigs and I’m feeling pissed

Thinking of the nice new boat cause of her I missed

Pick up the cell shoot off a drink blurred text

Let the pain in the butt know I’m tired and vexed

Six beers and three bowls finally feeling stable

Then my cell phone vibrates on the table

Probably the ex, just what I don’t need

Maybe I shouldn’t have planted that angry seed

Screen shows my girl Cynthia, luckily it ain’t Pam

Cindy’s just what I need to bring me back to who I am

Visions of warm female company bring a tingle to my thighs

Finally a reason to smile and stop the frustrated sighs

Cindy shouldn’t be busy on Monday at this time

I’ll try to tempt her over with a silly love rhyme

Work out some tension getting myself laid

Cindy’s just the buxom one to get this scene made

Punch the answer button all set to be charming

The tone I heard though was really quite alarming

“What the hell is the message you just sent?!”

“You can go the hell and just get bent!”

“But, but… What’s the problem Cindy my love?”

“I was just having a beer and thinking of my dove”

“So I see from the text I just got”

“Go to hell you bastard. I hope you rot.”

Silence greeted my spluttered replies

Cell shows my own reflection’s red-blasted eyes

Check the number on that stupid text I shot

Crap! Should have left alone fights already fought

Shut down the laptop, turn to telly and stare

Divorce Court: Laugh at the irony painted right there

Slam fist to knee old injury screams real loud

Now I need valium and my brace to calm this crowd

Angry exhaustion with beer, pot, and instant messaging

Should have known beforehand what this was presaging

Dad was right about the dangers of Facebook and cell phones

Once you hit send all you can do is wait for the moans

Whoever it was invented instant messaging

Didn’t think about drunken stupidity and sexting

Where’s the warning label saying Idiots beware:

Stop! Breathe! Think Before You Go There!

Damn thing should ask three times “Are You Really Sure”

Before allowing someone to send irretrievable manure

Gone are the days of picking up a phone on a cradle

Dialing and waiting whilst thinking as you’re able

Nobody leaves personal messages this day and age

Immediately to the entire world each crazed rage

At least the cell phone makes quite a nice thud

Shattering on the wall like a glass encased dud

When I divorced Pam I guess I split from lucidity

Cause I sure as hell ain’t divorced from stupidity

Well, maybe tomorrow will be better if I can make it right

One thing’s for damn sure: I won’t be getting laid tonight

social commentarysad poetryheartbreak

About the author

Andrew C McDonald

Andrew McDonald is a 30 year 911 dispatcher in Florida. He resides with his wife of 35+ years. Upon earning his B.S. in Applied Mathematics at Florida Institute of Technology, Mr. McDonald served as an officer in the U.S. Army 1985 to 1992.

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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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Comments (3)

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  • Deborah Lane4 months ago

    This was so funny and so real Love it.

  • Emily Williamson4 months ago

    I could see this entire scenario. It was like I was there. And the lesson contained here is so very true. Fantastic work. Very relatable to today.

  • Brenton F4 months ago

    Hit that one out of the park my good man....

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