DOUBT / GOD

doubt—

it is sewn onto my back like a quilt

it is warm with familiarity

and heavy on my shoulders

doubt weighs me down with immensity

doubt is the thief of trust

and the killer of joy

it tells us not to relish in safety,

not to trust love, not to trust ourselves

and yet, even so,

doubt is the safest thing we know

it provides an answer, a light

at the end of the tunnel, a known truth

residing at the keyhole ends

of our millions of futures

doubt is truth—not always, but often

doubt is the pit in our stomachs that

breaks us or saves us

doubt is our god, our one true high

trust only in doubt; love only in doubt

know only in doubt; know only doubt!

anything is possible; anyone is a question

anyone is a threat; anyone can kill us

or love us or take us hostage

anything can happen

anything can end us or maim us

or save us and only doubt, that

stark pit in us we so resent,

that flare of unpleasant feeling

can be there to know it

before it happens

when i wish to rid myself of doubt

i wish to rid myself of fear,

of the realities that surround me

i wish to make myself inhuman

i wish to empty myself

of all that discomforts me

i wish for my love and joy

to persist on a perfect road

down a perfect path

but i am human;

i could never have taken that path

and even still, how can i relinquish

doubt, or any sewn-on part of myself?

instead, i can wear doubt as a cape

i can be its guidepost—its martyr, need be

and i can let it guide me only so far

i can see the beams of truth it shows

and trust myself enough to jump

or run away

i can be doubt’s god instead

-

I did take the I could never have taken that path sentiment not from Robert Frost, but from Sasuke—sue me. Where are my Naruto fans?

It sometimes feels like doubt is the safest choice we can make, even when it seems to eat us up and alive from the inside. How do you guys deal with doubt? Do you carry it with you always? When is it right or safe to trust?

Thank you guys so much for always engaging me with your time, attention, and intelligence. I am endlessly grateful for anyone who has ever read my work. This outlet has made me fall in love with writing again. It has also helped me to heal and deal with these dark and heavy thoughts and feelings when they come. It has helped to save me.

Sorry for being particularly sappy. ♥️