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Dissociating Into a New Beginning

Turning Over that Leaf

By Alison GPublished 7 years ago 1 min read
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I spend most of my days lost.

Lost in mundane activities.

Locking my brain out of anything that is too much...

Too much happiness or too much sadness, too much anger or joy.

My safety net and my bubble.

"You take this card," my 5 year old says to me. I take the card not really paying attention.

This card is a reminder of who I am turning into. Growing into something to take pride in.

Not to escape from, or be scared of.

This card represents every ounce of hope and importance in my life. The card explains after disaster or change, recreate new routines.

It is beginning to wash over me as water spits out of a shower head over your body.

Beginnings are difficult and frightening. I always feel alone. I always try to plan ahead.

This card is stagnation; fear and anxiety.

This card is also a calling on to the other side.

Hope. Change and renewal.

As long as I do not stop moving; I will transform.

I can be all of those things. I am scared and

Dissociated.

I am excited and sad. I am always looking for something deep and profound. A deep hidden meaning for reliance and support.

Fuck whoever said there is always support, and fuck 'em twice for saying things get easy cause they don't.

Love a challenge good or bad because adjustments from routines never come easy.

Easy to quit and lose your own meaning; your own goals and ambitions left abandoned.

I feel stuck and writhe with fear but I'm courageous and I still persevere. I wake up and I try and try until I can't and no one notices.

No one sees a blue print. I do it for you and I do it for me. I do it for what I want us to be.

I ain't out drinking or partying but I'm home watching tv trying to sort myself.

Move on and forget the past but when I do it by myself I always finish last.

Dissociate, it's a poor coping device but I've had this poor condition and problem my whole damn life.

Wake up, wake up

It's a brand new day — jump out of bed in the morning tell myself it's all okay.

It isn't a lie. It will be fine. Nothing comes easy and everything takes time.

inspirational
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About the Creator

Alison G

Life and stories of a 20s something lady trying to wade through mental illness, love and isolation in a remote community.

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