Dinner Plans

Jonathan Swift was a bigger pussy than the ones spitting out the babies he wanted us to eat. Thinking too small with his isle of white mentality. I’d say he was a republican, but fetus fois gras is more of a plan than they would vote for.

Me? I’m thinking long-term and global.

Why stop at babies? That’s just ageist. Cook up the elderly, taste the experience. Medicare and social security will be the fixins’ on the side. Geriatricians will become farm vets. Keeping our dinner healthy enough to make it from nursing home to table.

Dinnerplate democracy. Open up the borders. That’s where all the flavor comes from anyway. After all, how can you complain about immigration when you get something out of it? Like food. Labor. Or wives.

Scream “Eat The Rich!” But only they can afford to eat themselves. Paying top dollar for a pound of marbled fat. They know how tender meat is when it does no work. Maybe these dinner parties will distract them from devouring the blood sweat and tears of the labor printing their money. Ha! Those are the appetizers.

What about the middle class you ask? I’m sure Walmart would be happy to stock the tastiest homeless they can find. Sell them in camping supplies along with their old tents. Give a discount to the local soup kitchens. What’s better than a meal between old friends?

And the church? They’ll corner the market in Jesús. Pastors will chortle every time they offer the body and blood of Chris to their patrons. And isn’t laughter the best medicine for all the pain and suffering they’ve inflicted over millennia?

And don’t think being vegan will exempt you. Grass fed beef is some of the tastiest meat.

Chew someone out. Eating your young. Devouring another. Swallowing your pride.

What problem can’t be solved if we accept the rapacious beasts we are and step out of the metaphors and into the kitchen?

As we enter this brave new world, keep in mind that we are trying to fix a species, maybe even a planet. So, don’t be a dick. Clean your plate. There are children starving everywhere. And you could feed a lot of them.