Deteriorating

I met him one day during the summer

he was handsome, what was I to do

I was 12, he was 21, where was my mother

shooting up drugs, we both suffered

I was taught to sell my body as a preteen

smoke weed, dream, and snort cocaine

by the person who I called mommy

no values, guidelines, or morals

down the road yearning to be valued

drugs, prostitution, and lies

my whole life I just wanted to die

what was I to do for my future

I had no voice, no one listened

I was just another teen, lost in the system

I’ve made many mistakes as an adult

please don’t judge me, for I didn’t know

I wasn’t taught how to cook and clean

I was taught about cocaine and lean

I didn’t have slumber parties, tooth fairy, or Christmas,

my parties consisted of her beatings by various men through years

we struggled on the street,

always on our feet

waiting for the next roof to use for sleep

I’ve slept in closets and cars

when she would drag a man home from the bar

all those years she stuck a needle in her arm

from shelters to handcuffs, she weakened me more than ever

I stood by her until I couldn’t no more

teens were out learning to drive

while I was at home, raising a child to thrive

never did I learn self respect or self love

she taught me how to take advantage of men

use them for what I need and dispose of

I’m trying to heal but I’m not able to deal

that’s not even half of this storm

this is so hard to come forth

I’m so done, I don’t even care anymore

I can’t mask this pain any longer

I’m losing this war, I need supporters

I’m not getting any younger and my babies need their mother.

this is a demon, I just can’t conquer.