Deluge

I am my own worst enemy,
letting my demons take over.
Instead of walking with them hand in hand,
I let them make all the plans.

It's not intentional.

There are things going on
within my mind,
within my body,
inside my soul
that are hard to balance,
and I don't feel whole.

More like I'm falling down a rabbit hole,
trying to grab Alice's hand
as I fall into another land
where big is little
and small is huge,
and my mind is filled with a deluge
of angry thoughts,
torment.

I feel every ounce of pain
inside and outside
over and over again,
just wanting to find peace and calm
in this whirlwind,
turbulent time.

My life is no longer mine,
learning to do things over again,
like I'm starting this life
from beginning.

But when will it end?

When do the monsters lose all control?
When do they give me the strength to be whole,
where I don't have to lose my temper,
sharp views,
where I can find the positivity
that I can use
to push and pull energy to me
and allow myself again to be free,
to smile,
to hope,
to look happily toward the future
instead of wishing that I could just stop,
that the momentum would end,
and that I could just fall asleep
and wake up never again.

But that's not what I want.

It's the moods,
the swings,
the demons,
and other horrible things
that cloud my judgment,
don't ease my mind.

But even though they are unkind,
I will keep moving forward
with some hope still
that self-love will find the will.