Dearly Depressed

Dearly Depressed,

We are gathered here today

To join in holy matrimony a fear of being unable to tell the difference,

Between a paper cut and a suture,

And the loss of a desire

To answer that Icarus of a question,

“Are you ok?”

As if we weren’t all balls of wax

Pretending to be hummingbirds.

No one ever told me the Sun is a voyeur,

Who’s watched more people die

Than do anything else.

So I feel more content on the days it is hidden.

Hoping that if it can’t see me,

Maybe I won’t have to explain myself.

This appendectomy of a body

Playing dress up with anti depressant hammy downs.

Trying to find the PH balance of giving a shit.

Some days,

Holding on to Hope

Feels a lot like

Looking for a needle in a knife fight.

You find yourself wondering

"What’s the point?"

One’s just more efficient at its intentions.

Someone once told me

"You can’t have too much of a good thing."

I said "it’s called drowning."

I said "drowning looks a lot like breathing

If you’re doing it wrong."

They said, "Hold on."

"Hold on."

"Hold on I think you’re on to something."

They said, "We just have to get to the bottom of this.

This bottomless bottle."

I said "it’s not a drinking problem.

I just prefer my pills to taste like gin and trepidation."

I said "it’s only an addiction

when the medication doesn’t come with a prescription."

I said "I’m sorry.

I haven’t been myself this side of 2012.

It’s the sun.

It’s so consistent.

As if to remind us we can’t be."

And I hear black holes are nice this time of year.

I hear stars are just old stories

We haven’t realized are ghosts.

I hear love and a nuclear reaction have a lot in common.

In that they both leave one wondering

"How long until it’s safe to go back again?"

I made a bargain with a gun salesman.

Said "I’ll put a hammer to these bullets

If you can tell me

How many nails were on the cross with Jesus?"

He said "Three."

I said "Higher.

You forget there was a person up there."

And I guess we do that from time to time.

Forget that stories rarely die

But people often do.

And I don’t fear death,

Just a life that looks like it.

I’ve seen enough eyes that read like epitaphs

I mean

I’ve been to a few weddings.

I mean

I’ve been to a few graduation ceremonies.

I mean

I’ve looked at a few mirrors before.

Just to remind myself that I could come back again.

I came back again.

It took awhile

But I came back here again.

I forgot something.

It was me, I think.

I think I’m me again.

I think I’ll try again.

I want to try again.

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today

To tell a story.

Not of "It gets better."

But of days in which the sun

Didn’t get to see me meet it’s expectations.

Not yet.

Not yet.

No, I’m not done yet.