Dear you – 

Dear you,

you as in you know who you are,

you as in I know who you are

since you won't be reading this.

You don't have to, because you've been long gone.

I don't want you to, either, because this

is my letter to myself,

more than it is a letter to you.

This is me knowing and understanding

that the void that you left,

you left for me to fill up with new stuff.

Exciting things,

adventures,

items to check off a bottomless bucket list.

And older stuff too.

Memories,

glimpses of who I was

and where I came from.

Ancient feelings of

distrust and

sadness

I hadn't the strength and empathy to tackle,

hieroglyphics I couldn't decipher,

things I never liked about myself,

but why? I never wondered...

Why do people leave?

Because everybody does at some point.

I did too.

But maybe it wasn't them leaving that hurt so much,

maybe it was me not knowing what to do

with the empty space that was left.

To care for others more than for myself is one thing,

but to think others are the only ones that can care for you

is profoundly selfish. And incredibly stupid for that matter.

Why do we place ourselves in that position,

the position of the victim who bears no fault for her misfortunes?

If I keep on blaming others for having abandoned me

I will never grow up enough to fill the space they have left.

I will never fill it all up, never stand on my own.

And I will always wonder why...

So back to you,

and I see myself

as I envision you.

The way you left was cowardly brutal.

You treated me with so little consideration

and somehow managed to steal the show anyway.

But you know what?

Thank you.

Before leaving me you said

"One day you'll thank me"

and I swore to the universe

that day would never come.

But here I am.

Thanking you.

Because I needed to feel

and see

the empty place within me

to learn to fill it up with wonderful things,

starting with me.

Sincerely, Elisa