Dear Gentle-man

I waited for you to come in the night. I couldn't sleep and not because it was bright.. because every noise I heard gave me a fright.

This term gentle-man never felt right. A man has never been gentle with me in his life. And yet here I am wishing upon his might, wishing their was a gentlemen who would make it alright.

Not looking for a knight despite what it sounds like,

accountability - loyalty - strength under pressure - some one beyond measure - with values even the elders could treasure.

My father issues seep through, into every room.

My therapist says I have to stop laughing it off. I scoff.

Comedy eases the dramedy.

Easing other people around trauma is my life's work.

I am tired of sugar coating the places where it hurts.

I am no longer living in fear of their stares

But lets get back to why I stacked the chairs.

They call women like me cynical, feminist, a man eater/hater. There are many names for people like me. A side they don't see. The vulnerability.

It's a tough girl act, I got my own back until its dark, in a corner, and I'm alone at that. Being accused of overreacting can be a very bad thing.

Men who are not so, gentle-men like, is a sad thing.

It crept up on me though. From moments of being a little girl. I fed myself a line for years, they can't all be this way don't waste your tears.

But in my personal experience they are..

A father who grew up down the street from me building another family. Lubricating his wounds with beer. It's his loud bellowing voice I hear.

An uncle who moved on me inappropriately. Another who fed me cocaine until I was practically insane. Only to hold me in his arms, refusing to get me help as I feared I would die. As he prayed for my life he said I would be alright. I really had no intention of continuing this as a rhyme. Its a coping mechanism, I find.

I married a man I thought was divine, who met every criteria.. still, he left me in hysteria. Emotional abuse leaves a mark, long lasting and deep.

I wonder now if I'll ever soundly sleep.

Instead I set up traps for intruders, I check every lock, I double check incase I forgot that I forgot. I pace each room once or twice. I kiss my kids goodnight. I jolt myself awake, at any rate because I've been conditioned to never feel safe ....without a man...

If only they could have been a little gentler when extending their hands.