Dead Dog Days

It's traditional on summer days

for a certain six-word phrase

to dash our hopes of outdoor leisure:

"Here's Helen Willetts with the weather."

//

Like England in a tournament,

the forecast's dull and inclement.

In go the tents and paddling pools,

Out come the brollies and cagoules.

//

I try to look on the bright side.

Like Rishi, when he stepped outside,

dumped an Election on the nation,

and got saturated in precipitation.

Travis Bickle said: "A rain will come,

and wash the streets of all the scum."

And sure enough, no doubt about it:

the Tories got flushed down the toilet.

//

Others also see an opening

with a climate that is moistening.

Thames Water didn't wait, it seems,

to dump their shit into our streams.

Their massive spills into our rivers,

would even give BP the shivers.

//

When rain stumps my plans for nought,

I hit the sofa and watch sport.

The BBC's got Wimbledon

(though there's only play on Centre or One).

Then an outdoor opening for the Games?

The very notion is in Seine.

(Once I'm out of TV shows,

the cinema shows me tornadoes.)

//

Is this the best our summer can do?

With ruined crops and rivers of poo,

the barbecue saved by Deliveroo,

and the nation turning red from blue?

//

I remember 2022,

when the mercury hit 42.

Come this August, if the temp's still down,

these dog days need to be put down.

//

But then, I'm English, through and through:

once summer's here, I hit Corfu.

And the honest truth, come rain or shine:

I'll always find some cause to whine.

//

Written for L. C. Schfer's Unofficial "Bullshit Summer" Challenge

Schfer, Schfer, Schfer... Why is Vocal's buggy-as-fck editor removing accented characters now??

Thanks for reading!

And apologies to non-British readers. This poem was probably impenetrable and unintelligible to all but the most ardent anglophiles.

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