Dad or Donor

I ran into a status where you spoke to the world on how awesome it is to be a father ... and how you don't have to be perfect but just keep showing up... but where were you for me did this precious sentiment only extended to the children you hand selected as worthy ... a few memories remain of you coming to bare gifts I think we connected for 3 birthdays of my 32 years of life ... the gifts were a kind gesture, showed you didn't know me very well the prettiest golden necklace I think around my 16th birthday crying unto my grandmother's arms how come he didn't know I was allergic to gold all I wanted was you to make up for the minutes ,days , weeks and years ... I cried myself to sleep wondering how was I born 1st but your not Here with me ! what do the step children have that I don't why doesnt he love me you missed my milestones you didnt teach me about boys no example of what a good man looks like you created a fear in me that I would always be abandoned Dad or Donor did you think of me on your holidays during your elaborate family trips when your other daughters slipped and fell and scraped their knees did you wonder had I fallen too or was it easier to move forward with a shiny new wife and her kids and create and whole new world where I didn't exist I heard they didn't have a good father how noble of you to Play super daddy, but Donor for me do you realize what that does to child ? the older I get I feel bad for you you missed out on such an amazing person that I am today we've had a few times to talk but never a real conversation never did you truly understand my emotions in one ear and out the other much like talking to a brick wall that holds no accountability that rather shift blame on someone else soldier in the army but you didn't fight for me not once maybe you did and maybe all this time it's been a plot twist but after 18 years I'm no longer a child so how is there still so much distance I see that you are grandfather now did you know that I have kids too three beautiful girls I know you've seen pictures on social media we had an encounter, or two and they were small fresh from the cocoon you remembered just about the first or second birthdays of their 13 ,11, and 5 years on this Earth but do you know they don't know you when I mention your name when I show them a picture I have to re-explain that you are not my donor but you are my dad he helped me twice in my adult years when my world was crumbling it felt so good to finally run to the arms of my dad to finally to help me be there for me pick me up Show Me Love only to find out the intent somehow was just to benefit you or the intent was somehow just to say you did something for me the arms were not welcome I felt so out of place still I did not fit in the picture that you had created I rather sat in poverty , than to beg for your help and support when I think of you I feel bad I'll talk to God and I wonder how was your dad did you have a dad or donor is that why you didn't give me the best example cuz you didn't know what to do the first time around the first kid that you brought into this world but once the other girls came around you were kind you had it all together and you knew what to do ready to bring two new babies until this world half brothers that I hardly knew could you not get along with my mother well enough just so that you can be there for me do you know how it feels when your precious jewel is taken from you and don't even have your father to cry too to say Daddy did to me look what this boy took from me, look what this man did to me or once a spark ignites and I want say Daddy I met the most beautiful girl today and I can't explain the sensations I feel! simply I just wanted your attention your support to hear I did a good job from your lips I lingered for shit like this sometimes I think the day that your called into the afterlife will I even mourn for my grieving begin with my tears staining the pillowcase in my younger years cuz growing up without you already felt like you so far away in the heavens or will the floodgates open and all the time we missed all the things we could have done all the things we could have accomplished go racing through my mind and I will forever wonder why why not me Dad or Donor when will it ever be me